Two posts ago I wrote about a Leonard Sax book. Why Gender Matters is another of his books, but from 2005. Apparently there is a more recent edition from 2017, which would have been nice to realize since he even mentions that new research will come out within the next 20 years on certain topics mentioned in the 2005 edition. Twenty years into the future would be 2025; we're almost there.
I wanted to listen to this book to learn more about gender issues that are so confusing to me today. I expected more of that in the book, but it was actually more of a parenting book on how boys and girls think differently and how to treat them based on their needs. It was really quite fascinating! There are a couple parts in the book that are quite disturbing (mainly teen sexuality in chapter 6), but the other parts were easier to listen to.
I wanted to save a few thoughts for future reference below.
You know how we say men compartmentalize their thoughts? Well, in chapter 2 we learn that if a man has a stroke on the left side of his brain, it lessens their verbal IQ by 20%. If the stroke is in the right hemisphere, they see virtually no affect to their speech. However, if a woman has a stroke on the left side, her verbal IQ is decreased by about 9%; if the right side, it's decreased by around 11%. So, it appears that women use more of their brains for language; whereas men use a certain section.
Also in chapter 2, Sax states that scientists can look at brain tissue samples and identify which came from males and which came from females because they are different.
You know how we all learned how music was so good for babies? Well, in one study with babies who were in the ICU (I think), it appeared that girl babies who received music therapy came home 9.5 days earlier than girl babies who did not. Music therapy did not make a difference in boy babies and how early they got to come home from the hospital. The researcher who published this info just gave averages of babies coming home early, but did not specify the sex. Sax suggests we need more research, but since boy babies don't hear as well as girl babies, perhaps music therapy would make a difference with them if the music was louder? - Chapter 2
In another study, newborns were placed in front of a young woman and a mobile. Researchers tracked what the babies looked at. Boy babies were more twice as likely to look at a mobile. Girl babies preferred looking at the young woman. This may be related to differences in the retina between males and females. - Chapter 2
In a study from Concordia, 77 18 month olds were tested, and researchers discovered kids couldn't really tell who was a boy or a girl, and boys had a harder time choosing than girls. The researches also looked at the types of toys the children liked and boys tended to like boy-typical toys, and girls liked girl-typical toys. In a different study with 9 month olds, researchers found the same toy preferences and that the babies couldn't tell who was a boy or who was a girl. Even in monkeys, researchers have found male monkeys prefer boy-typical toys and female monkeys prefer girl-typical toys. Sax is pointing out that without any training or influence from others, boys and girls have general toy preferences, and boys more strongly than the girls. - Chapter 2
I don't know if we all say it, but I can easily say that my husband and son are definitely not very emotional. Apparently before adolescence, negative emotions are processed in the amigdala, so if you ask a kid to explain why they are sad, they may not be able to tell you very well. But, during adolescence, girls start to process negative emotions in their cerebral cortex, where communication also happens. So, when you ask a girl to explain her feelings she can. Boys continue to process negative feelings in the amigdala, so they have a more difficult time expressing their feelings. Their emotions aren't connected to speech in the brain like they are in women. - Chapter 2
Sax believes that gender is a more fundamental characteristic for grouping people than even age. Girls and women hear and see better than boys and men. Girls and women affiliate more with adults than boys. They also have a more mature (I don't know if that's the right word) emotional development than boys and men. Also, lesbian women still have more in common with straight women than they do with gay men or straight men. Later in the book (chapter 9), Sax will even state that gay men exhibit more masculine traits than straight men. We tend to think gay men are less masculine than straight men, but chemically, and sometimes physically (less sensitive hearing as an example, bigger ears), they appear to be hyper masculine. - Chapter 2
In chapter three we get into risk. This chapter totally explains why my husband does what I consider to be dumb things. There was one study where students were asked to toss rings to a target both alone and within the presence of classmates of the same sex. Whether alone or with other people in the room, the girls tossed the rings from the same distance. Young men, though, when alone tossed the rings at a certain distance, but when watched backed up around twice as far as when they were alone. One male student explained that he didn't want to look like a wuss. Well this explains macho behavior, doesn't it? - Chapter 3
Boys are more likely to do physically risky behavior than girls, and they are more likely to do it around other boys, and not stop when a parent asks them to. Boys and men are more likely to drown and have gun or head injuries. They attribute their accidents to bad luck, not bad choices. They get a kind of rush when they take risky behavior; whereas girls, may have more of a sick feeling, which is due to the autonomic nervous system. It seems to me that they take more risks because it's fun. Most of the time nothing bad happens, but when something does go wrong, the consequences are big. After boys successfully complete risky behavior and succeed, they are more likely to do it again because they see they were able to get through it the first time and the consequences weren't that bad. Boys in a bike simulation were less likely to brake in a dangerous situation than girls. Girls were more fearful and cautious. Boys also "overestimate their abilities while girls are more likely to underestimate their abilities." Girls need encouragement to take risks.
In regards to risks with employment, men are more likely to be CEOs even though there are plenty of well-trained women. Men are still more likely to start their own businesses and be leading politicians. Women still make 73% of what men make, but part of that is explained by differences in occupation (like male software engineer vs female teacher). Even when adjusted for the same work, education, and hours, there is still a significant gender gap in pay persists. Sometimes this is due to men asking for more money (taking a risk), when sometimes women don't. Starting salaries of men were 8% more than women. 57% of men asked for more money in hiring negotiations, but only 7% of women asked. Students who asked for more money seemed to get more money. - Chapter 3
It's safer for a boy to participate in organized sports than to have him participate in unsupervised activities (like skateboarding). If he takes unacceptable risks just take away/disable the thing. Don't negotiate or argue. Lock up the bike, take away the helmet. - Chapter 3
Can I just tell you that chapters 2 and 3 just explained my husband??? This chapter made him make so much more sense!
Chapter four is on aggression. Apparently boys fight 20x as often as girls, but boys are more likely to be better friends later, after the fight. Girls, on the other hand, don't fight with fists, but with words, and are not likely to make up later. This was the same as in chimpanzees.
At 2 years old, boys tend to prefer violent stories; girls prefer warm and fuzzy stories. In another study of 5-7 year old kids, girls who chose violent stories tended to have behavior problems; however, boys who also liked violent stories did not necessarily have bad behavior. - Chapter 4
Ten year old kids were asked what if someone took your soccer ball and you hit the other kid to get your ball back. Boys tended to not feel guilty about hitting back and felt like others approved of their behavior. It brought up their standing with other kids as long as it wasn't bullying. Ten year old girls, on the other hand tended to feel guilt for hitting and felt that their peers would look down on them for acting back at the ball-stealer. - Chapter 4
Girls are more interested in babies than boys. - Chapter 4
When boys want to make friends, they are sometimes playfully aggressive, like pulling pigtails or teasing. Girls rarely do this. When treated like this by someone else, boys tend to know to tease back. (I don't know if I've seen this?) - Chapter 4
Chapter 5 is about school. Although teachers teach boys more actively, boys are 1.5 years behind girls in reading and writing and are less committed to school and less likely to go to college.
Small group learning is a great teaching strategy for girls, but not for boys. Girls are more likely to ask for help in assignments. Boys might get rowdy rather than ask for help. Asking for help lowers their social status; even the geeks know this. Boys do better with some competition and timed activities. Those teaching styles stress girls out. Sax again convinced me that there are some great things that can happen in single-sex education. - Chapter 5
Chapter six is about kids and sex. Some of the descriptions of what kids do was bit much for me, but after that part was over, there were some really good things.
Sax points out that impersonal sex is harmful to young men because it doesn't allow them to create relationships that they'll want and need later in life. They're less likely to have guy friends as they age. Lonely men are more likely to die of suicide and experience depression, and die of illness. Women, however, have other relationships in their lives, and can fill that emotional void with other people.
Sax suggests sex should be reserved of responsible adults. A boy who exploits his girlfriend for his own personal pleasure and neglects her needs sets himself up for loneliness and failure.
Tell your kids what you think about sex. Even though we don't think they listen, most kids still say their parents are their most influential people.
Tell your kids they MUST tell you they are going to another party after leaving a party.
No more than three years age difference between your daughter and the oldest boy in the group.
Encourage girls-only activities, including sports. This builds girls' self confidence and they're less likely to be sexually active. Sports help them not focus "on the rating and dating game." Boys who play competitive sports are more likely to be sexually active than non-athletes. Boys will also feel more self-esteem with being a good athlete, and increases his likelihood to have sex. Sports make boys more popular. Girls choose to have sex to help them feel more accepted.
Sometimes girls drop out of sports because they don't like people looking at them (I definitely don't like people looking at me!). So girls' only sports and PE are good.
Girls are more likely to participate in girls'-only PE. (I'd say true. As a kid in SLC, we had girls' only, and it was fine. In Davis County, it was combined, and boy I hated it.)
Have girls do activities where the focus is on what she does, not on how she looks.
There are no activities that are proven to decrease boys' engagement in sex. Sax encourages, cross-generational activities where older men teach younger men good behavior, like Boy Scouts, Somos Amigos, (or Young Men's).
Chapter 7 is on drugs. Academic stress in girls is a pathway to substance abuse.
Danger doesn't deter boys, it may spur some boys on. Educating boys about the dangers of drugs can be counterproductive because they may want to try to prove the teaching wrong; think of "This is Your Brain on Drugs." That commercial worked well on girls, but not on sensation-seeking, risk-taking boys.
Eat dinner together. The more often teens have dinner with their families, the less likely they are to smoke, drink, or use drugs. This protective effect is greater for girls than boys, but is still good. You know what your kids are doing; you are involved in their life. They have to be home for dinner, then they can't be somewhere where you don't know what he's been doing.
Chapter 8 was on Discipline. I'm not so sure about how I felt about this chapter. It seemed pretty old-fashioned and strict. I think that was the point that Sax was trying to make though---that we're having all the problems we're having now because we're not strict enough, and kids are just running all over the place making all sorts of crazy decisions. He says we've had a loss of parental authority, which I think is true. The kids seem to have the power, not he parents.
Obese kids tend to be disobedient.
"If you're spending more time disciplining your child than your spending enjoying life with your child, then you need to spend more time having fun with your child." Yes, that one hit home for us.
Bad behavior in the past needed discipline, but today it's considered a psychiatric problem. Now that's something to explore.
Chapter 9 is more what I thought the whole book would be about, but it's just this one chapter on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Trans. This is the chapter where I'd like to know the more up-to-date research. Sax seems to be pretty fair in his science-backed conclusions. Sometimes I expected him to conclude one way, when he would go the other way, based on science. To me, he seemed unbiased. Honestly, I wish I would have heard some of this stuff years ago because the whole trans-movement of today confuses me and is heartbreaking, especially when it comes to fitting with our church.
There does not seem to be any difference between straight and gay men's brains. In the 90's there was some research stating a difference, but newer research states otherwise. There are subtle differences, but not significant. Causes may be genetic.
Some research indicates that trans brains are more similar to to other sex that they feel they better relate to.
Old research claimed that lesbians were that way because of negative sexual trauma/experience in the past, but newer research doesn't support that. It appears that there may be a stronger genetic factor.
One researcher found that because women and men experience sexuality differently, thinks gay/straight may even mean slightly different things to men and women. Some women only become sexually involved with another woman because it seemed like a natural next step, not because she wanted the sex. Some of these women reject the labels, but just want to connect with others as an individual. I was talking to an old neighbor the other day and she said she was "pan sexual." I had no idea what she was talking about and had to look it up (it's that connecting with another individual). I wondered, but isn't that what we're all looking for? But when we want to procreate, we just have to limit it to a member of the opposite sex so we can have that benefit and follow Heavenly Father's plan? Nothing says you can't have close relationships still with members of your same sex. Sax says, some women's non-sexual "relationship with each another might be more intimate and more emotionally fulfilling than the sexual relationships they have with their boyfriends or husbands."
Female astronauts are prone to dizziness after a flight. Only 1/4 non-pilot men (the pilots appear to be more "masculine" and don't get this dizziness) seem to experience this same phenomena and it is believed they have a bit more female physiology. Sax shares a study of baby boys who are more timid, fearful, and withdrawn, and these seem to be the ones that grow up to have more allergies, asthma, eczema, regular resting heart rate (without variation as in other boys), narrow face, don't like rough & tumble play, are precocious, loners, and prefer non-contact sports. Apparently a parent can help a boy through this timidity through strong discipline before the age of three. If the parent is too sensitive to the boy, he won't grow out of it.
There are a couple of quizzes at the end of the book on how female or male you are, or how your brain works. There were only 10 questions for each quiz, so I don't know how accurate it is. It was interesting and quite funny. We had our whole family take it, well except for our missionary son in California. Here's a link to the quiz, but the author forgot to put how to score the male section, but it's similar to the female section. http://feministing.com/2009/10/23/how-masculinefeminine-are-you/
I scored in the most feminine category, which I thought was weird because I'm not all that girly. But I guess that's the point, it wasn't a quiz about how culturally girly you are, it was how much your brain does what other female brains typically do. I scored a 0 to negative one in the masculine category, which I thought was interesting, too, because I do like some traditionally guy activities like building and camping etc., but of course those weren't the types of things the quiz asked. Daughter #2 got the middle category on feminine and 0 on masculine. My husband got middle masculine and zero feminine. Daughter #1 got the highest masculine category and the lowest feminine category!!!! She didn't get a zero, but I think she got a two. My husband got a 5 in masculine, and that daughter got a 7! If you adjust for some of the things my daughters just wouldn't know in the quiz, that would bring the older daughter into the middle category, and the second daughter into the higher feminine category with me. I do wonder how my son would score. I would imagine he would score higher on the female quiz than my husband, and probably in the middle on the male quiz like my husband?
So, like I said at the beginning, this book is a little old. I thought it had some interesting insight and research, and I'd love to see the updates. In some ways it was more of a child raising book than anything else, and I wonder how it would have influenced the raising of my children had I read it 18 years ago!
