Providing Work Opportunities for Children

Yesterday I had the chance to go to the dry-pack cannery to get some food storage.  Another family brought both their teenagers and their little kids (3 under 8?).   Somehow I became supervisor over the kids, and rather than than working at canning food myself, I looked for jobs for the children to do. Mainly, I found they were good at rolling the cans from the upstairs of the cannery down the can chute to the main level, then they carried the cans to the different canning tables so the people doing the work there wouldn't have to come get the cans.  It worked pretty well, but still there wasn't quite enough work to do.  The kids were loving it and even one of the girls said, "This is the funnest job I've ever done!"

I saw some of the adults sticking labels on the cans, and I thought, what little girl wouldn't LOVE to stick stickers on cans?  So, I took her over to the lady at that station and asked if the girl could stick on stickers.  The lady responded, "But then I won't have anything to do."  I smiled and mentioned that I'm not doing anything (canning labor) either, just "supervising" and suggested maybe she could do the same.  The little girl joined up and was able to help.

I must interject here so you don't think the woman I was talking to doesn't like kids or something.  She's a great lady with 3 of her own children and always willing to serve, so please don't think I'm criticizing her.  I just think that as a whole, as I pondered on my way home, that we get overly concerned about getting things done or looking/being productive ourselves rather than allowing children, who are often just as capable, to do it.

I know I am completely guilty of this.  For example, I could have my kids clean the bathroom, but if I do it, I'll be faster, do a better job, and won't have to hear the whining!  But, when I do that, I'm stripping away the opportunity for the kids to serve and learn.

So my goal from this experience is to remember to let kids help!  We need to create positive work experiences for children.  We need to work with them, and surely their attitude toward work will be positive.

Life is Just a Bowl of . . . Trials? BYU Women's Conference

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go to BYU Women's Conference for my first time.  Since becoming a mom, I've made it to Education Week for a day a few times, but this was my first time at Women's Conference.  I wasn't sure what to expect, but wanted to give it a try because I'd heard such good things about it.

A couple years ago I went to Time Out for Women, and enjoyed it, but felt like I was in a Deseret Book commercial.  As I've attended Disney on Ice since then, I'd now describe TOFW kind of like Disney on Ice for LDS Women.  So, if you like that kind of thing, great, but it was a little intense for me.  It wasn't the presenters that made me squirmish, more the overall feel of it.  I would, however, be happy to purchase the DVDs of TOFW, just maybe not attend, especially since I do live close enough to BYU to attend Education Week or Women's Conference.

I was impressed at the organization of Women's Conference; I wouldn't expect less.  I love the variety of classes offered at Education Week, so I was a little worried at the WC emphasis on women things like relationships and mothering; however, I was still filled!  I wasn't sure I'd like the schedule for the day, but ended up LOVING having opening and closing combined sessions and the three breakout sessions with the 30 or 45 minute breaks in between.  I also enjoyed that at each class I went two, two or three people spoke.  At Education Week I get so excited about so many classes, then end up going to them, and then my brain feels like it's going to explode at the end of the day.  Five total classes won't make your brain explode.  At WC I felt relaxed!  Perhaps it helped that I was crocheting a scarf from one of the WC make and take kits and wasn't concentrating as hard?

I LOVE the service emphasis of WC.  The make and take kits are brilliant as you're just sitting there listening (and sometimes taking notes).  I also LOVED the service night and all the projects!  Because I wanted to finish my scarf before leaving for the night I worked on it instead of the projects, but my friend helped with a project.

I also LOVED how friendly people were!  I could just strike up a conversation with anyone, and everyone was so helpful.  It was a little piece of heaven.  I felt like I was back at Ricks College where you said hi to everyone.  As a student, BYU was nice, but it was not as friendly as Ricks.  Plus, as an added bonus, I ran into a bunch of people I know---from a gal I worked with in 1996, to another co-worker from the Church Office Building, to a mom I swap with for volunteering at the school, to people in my ward, to two of my aunts!

I was able to stick around for the concert, which I thought would be fun.  It was, but it went a little long for my tastes, and some of the singers I didn't particularly care for.  Let's just say, I don't know what Michael McLean was smoking when he came up with Threads---A fashion show from The Twilight Zone???  It was funny, and the singer was great, but it was just a bit weird.  I also wasn't a huge fan of Justin Cash, but I would have probably liked listening to him in college.  We left during the Deseret Book boy band.  They were good, but kind of danced like they were half paralyzed.  Plus, it was after 10 and we were really tired and had an hour drive to make.  Mercy River's bedtime song made me laugh so hard that I cried.  As a mom I'd be totally embarrassed to get up there and dance like teenage rock stars like they did, but they were good, really good, and their song was SO TRUE!  I loved Sandra Turley's Les Mis mix and Josh Wright's piano playing was beautiful.  I REALLY loved Hilary Weeks new song, I Found Me (I found you, then I found me.).  I could write a whole post on that, and maybe I will some time.  So overall I'm glad I stayed for the concert, but I could have skipped a few of the artists.

OK, now back to the classes and the title of this post.  From the opening combined session by sweet Elaine Marshall, I realized that life is not perfect, it never will be, and it's okay.  We just roll with it and do our best.  I don't have this premonition that life should be perfect, but we've just struggled so much lately with some of our kids, that I wonder if it's normal, and yup, it is.

For my first breakout class, I attended "Being a Gracious Receiver" and expected it to be about accepting help when you need it; however, it was about receiving trials with grace.  There were several stories about trials, including death, yet, we just deal with it and move on, and it's okay.  Second, I went to "The World's Greatest Champion of Woman and Womanhood is Jesus the Christ."  My friend, Cheryl, presented part of this one and she and her partner spoke with such power.  After that I went to "Mothering Young Children," and realized our kids are pretty darn good.  When one mom talked about her kids making the table into a slip and slide or something, I thought, wow, my kids would never do that, and I felt really blessed. So, even though I complain about how hard this phase of life is, I'm really grateful for these wonderful little kiddos in my stewardship who really are pretty obedient and fun, even though they do have their problems and things to overcome just like the rest of us.

Mine would, however, pick all the tulips in the yard while I was gone.  (Not that it hasn't happened before.)

So, I came away feeling incredibly grateful for my own family and knowing that other people do have it worse, so I should stop whining (so much).  I felt that we're not doing too bad a job with parenting---probably better than  I imagined.  I recognized that life is full of trials for everyone, and that's okay.

In the end, would I go to BYU Women's Conference again?  Definitely---especially since my dear husband handled the day like a champion:  kids fed, to school, preschool, book club, baseball, bed, and even a clean house when I came home.  I felt like such a lucky girl.

The Great Welfare Plan

In my pre-mom life I worked for the Welfare Department of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in several of the divisions over the years (Production & Distribution/Bishops' Storehouse Services, LDS Employment, Humanitarian Service/s, administration). I forget that probably most people don't know that the Church reaches out to help people ALL over the world -- and not just members of our church.

I was delighted to see this great summary of what services the church offers.  Check out this link to get a better understanding:

http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/humanitarian-aid-welfare-services-breakdown-donations-costs-resources

I also loved the segment on the welfare program of the church on NBCs recent Mormon in America production.  In fact, I used to work with the guy driving the interviewer around in the golf cart!

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Sometimes The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gets criticized for being so big and so centralized.  I realized a while back that this actually is the reason we can have such a huge impact around the world, and in such short time.  It's an exciting thing to be a part of.

What touched my heart the most, was that after watching the welfare segment, my 9 year old son said, "Mom can we do that?  Can we go to Welfare Square and volunteer?  I really want to do that."  You bet we can.

Mary & Martha

My friend, Hailey, shared "Mary and Martha -- Faithful Sisters, Devoted Disciples" on Facebook today from a 1987 Ensign.  There were some really good quotes:

The story of Mary and Martha, observes Elder Dallin H. Oaks, “reminds every Martha, male and female, that we should not be so occupied with what is routine and temporal that we fail to cherish the opportunities that are unique and spiritual.”

 ...are we so involved with learning or outside interests that we do not honor our domestic responsibilities? 

... the Lord has counseled all of us to be “anxiously engaged in a good cause.” (D&C 58:27.) When determining the causes we will engage in, we need to weigh our values against our priorities. This will help us better judge what is important in our lives.Elder Maxwell concludes, “Basically, if we are properly motivated and are proper managers of our time, there is a time and season for various good causes in our lives. The contributing emphasis, of course, must be upon keeping the commandments and being effective in our family life.”

 ...when we judge someone as we have perhaps judged Mary and Martha, we have forgotten that strengthening the individual and the family, serving in Church callings, and providing for temporal needs are all part of gospel living. When deciding which aspect should receive emphasis at certain seasons of life, sisters would do well to seek the Spirit as a guide.

 ...“If the decision is right, they will feel at peace. That is the key. If they have made the wrong decisions, they will tend to feel troubled.” (Ensign, Mar. 1986, p. 21.)

Limiting My Distractions

One of my Facebook friends linked to "How to Miss a Childhood" mainly about parents being overly attached to and distracted by their phones and not their children.  I don't have a smart phone, heck, I don't even have texting turned on!  But, the advice still hit home when it comes to projects and other interests.  In fact, while working in the yard tonight, I remembered I needed to be more engaged with my kids who wanted to show me the cool tricks they could do on the swing and how fast they could go down the slide.  Here are some tips from the article that I want to remember:

How to Miss a Childhood

• Keep your phone turned on at all times of the day. Allow the rings, beeps, and buzzes to interrupt your child midsentence; always let the caller take priority.
• Carry your phone around so much that when you happen to leave it in one room your child will come running with it proudly in hand & treating it more like a much needed breathing apparatus than a communication device.
• Decide the app you're playing is more important than throwing the ball in the yard with your kids. Even better, yell at them to leave you alone while you play your game.
• Take your children to the zoo and spend so much time on your phone that your child looks longingly at the mother who is engaged with her children and wishes she was with her instead.
• While you wait for the server to bring your food or the movie to start, get out your phone and stare at it despite the fact your child sits inches away longing for you talk to him.
• Go to your child's sporting event and look up periodically from your phone thinking she won't notice that you are not fully focused on her game.
• Check your phone first thing in the morning ... even before you kiss, hug, or greet the people in your family.
• Neglect daily rituals like tucking your child into bed or nightly dinner conversation because you are too busy with your online activity.
• Don't look up from your phone when your child speaks to you or just reply with an "uh huh" so she thinks you were listening.
• Lose your temper with your child when he "bothers" you while you are interacting with your hand-held electronic device.
• Give an exasperated sigh when your child asks you to push her on the swing. Can't she see you're busy?
• Use drive time to call other people regardless of the fact you could be talking to your kids about their day, or about their worries, their fears, or their dreams.
• Read email and text messages at stoplights. Then tell yourself that when your kids are old enough to drive they won't remember you did this all the time.
• Have the phone to your ear when she gets in or out of the car. Convince yourself a loving hello or goodbye is highly overrated.

Follow this recipe and you will have:

• Missed opportunities for human connection
• Fewer chances to create beautiful memories
• Lack of connection to the people most precious to you
• Inability to really know your children and them unable to know you

How to Grasp a Childhood:

• Look into her eyes when she speaks to you. Your uninterrupted gaze is love to your child.
• Take time to be with him & really be with him by giving your full attention. The gift of your total presence is love to your child.
• Hold his hand, rub her back, and smooth his hair. Your gentle touch is love to your child.
• Greet her like you missed her when she was not in your presence. Seeing your face light up when you see her is love to your child.
• Play with him. Your involvement in his activities is love to your child.
• Set an example of being distraction-free while driving. Positive role modeling behind the wheel is love (and safety) to your child.
• Create a distraction-free daily ritual. Consistently making him a priority each day is love to your child.
• Talk to him. Ask him about his day. Listening to what he has to say is love to your child.
• Focus and smile at her from the stands or the audience. Seeing the joy on your face as you watch is love to your child.

Attitudes on Women and Family - A Cultural Thing

I remember when the internet got big and people talked about having on-line friends.  I thought, whatever, I will NEVER have those. That is so dumb.  Well, I eat my words.  I've met some super cool ladies through Facebook and blogging, and one's name is Tiffany.  She lives in Saudi Arabia and has 5 kids.

I used to be the type to gawk at people who had 5 kids and wonder, what were they thinking?  Well, Tiffany experienced that attitude from people like me when she lived in the states; however, since living in Saudi Arabia, she hasn't gotten it at all (at least from the locals).  Not only does she feel respected for having a family, and a larger one, but she also feels safer if she has at least one of her children with her when she's out!  She feels that people respect her for being a mother, and I suppose you could say don't persecute her for being a woman.  This is a country where in some places, like the one where Tiffany lives, women are required to wear black abayas to cover themselves when they go out.  The women also aren't even allowed to drive!

Anyway, Tiffany put up a nice post about an experience she had at the mall today.  She saw a mother from a distance with a pretty baby and motioned to the mother how pretty the baby was.  The mother and baby left after a while, but later came back, and the mother motioned for Tiffany to hold the baby.  Tiffany was pretty surprised as she just couldn't imagine anyone sharing their baby with a complete stranger in the U.S.!

Anyway, if you like reading about foreign experiences, pop on over to In a maze of beige.  You can learn a little bit about life for women and families in Saudi Arabia (and more).

Too Busy

LAF/Beautiful Womanhood linked to Enough of Parenting Misery Lit, a critique of another article about raising kids in North America.  I thought there were some great things in it:

...I am not sure what is meant by the “lack of an adult life”. You generally should not become a parent until you reach adulthood, and the years spent in active parenting do, by definition, mostly revolve around the kids. In order to raise children well (to be secure, healthy, confident, well-trained, ultimately decent and productive human beings) you need to put in some time and effort. With a little more effort, spouses can make time for each other. The key is balance, and for most families this is the challenging part.

As a parent, you have to make a lot of choices. One of them is how much time you will spend together as a family, and how much time you will be involved in various other activities. This should include, by the way, not just sport, culture and recreation, but also things like community volunteering, which teaches children that life is also about making it better for those less fortunate....

Many North American parents feel not just a desire, but an obligation to offer their children the widest possible range of leisure experiences and activities. The choices are myriad: music lessons (Pick one—or more—of a hundred different instruments and musical styles, then decide: solo, ensemble, band, orchestra, choir, or a combination thereof?); sports (Which to choose? How many at once? Highly competitive or just for fun?); dance, drama, clubs, hobbies. Multiply by the number of children. Calculate the extra hours you as a parent will spend chauffeuring, waiting, fund-raising, cheering, volunteering, assistant-coaching. Multiply by the number of children. By this point, there is no need to wonder why you don’t have any “adult life”.

How much is too much? Where does “life enrichment” end and pushy-parent, stage-mom or hockey-dad syndrome begin? Should a pre-schooler’s life be so tightly scheduled that he develops severe anxiety issues? As children grow, they develop their strengths and preferences for how they wish to spend their after-school hours. The hard part for parents is knowing when to encourage, when to accommodate, and when to (regrettably) say no—or at least, not right now. Ultimately, the decision belongs to the parent. If it doesn’t, are you still the parent, or have you been relegated to chauffeur, lunch-packer and grudging financier?...

 The alternative is to tell your children that, unfortunately, they cannot do it all. This is not deprivation: it is reality. No one can do it all or have it all, not even people who seem to have all the time and money in the world. It is all right to tell your children that they will have to give up some activities entirely, or wait until next year or possibly even adulthood to experience them. Many North Americans are not willing to do this. They want their kids to do it all, play it all, learn it all, experience it all. And then they wonder why their life seems like the Neverending Story of Hellish Exhaustion....

 Life is burdensome for many; when it’s burdensome as a result of our own choices, it is time to find a new balance. It’s basically a matter of priorities, which each family must decide for itself. Parents simply have to be aware that every choice has consequences. There are only so many hours in a day and days in a week, and only about eighteen years in a child’s life until they leave the nest. How many of those do you want to spend in the car—or the studio, field, track, gym or stadium, and how many do you want to spend strolling in the park?

(I added the emphasis.)

Feeling Empowered

(OK, honestly, I'm not feeling very empowered at the moment, I'm feeling rather exhausted, but I wanted to put up this post anyway.)

I had a baby just over a week ago. She's a little doll. I chose to have this one "naturally," or I'd prefer to say unmedicated -- natural just doesn't sound quite right to me. My #3 was also "natural," but that was by accident. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be that time, so I thought I'd try it on purpose this time (I did get nervous about the choice and semi-seriously considered getting an epidural). There was just something about feeling the birth of a baby that is so real, so powerful. It made me feel so incredibly strong, so incredibly sacrificing.

After I had the baby, I typed up the entire birth story, embarrassing things and all, and put it on Facebook. I was shocked. I must have felt pretty good about myself and the whole experience or I wouldn't have done it. I suppose I'm over being shy about the whole birth thing. There's nothing to be ashamed about. It's birth! It's life! It's sad we don't talk about it more and teach women what a beautiful thing it is -- all the details. I'm happy especially now to see efforts such as those in The Gift of Giving Life.

Another thing that actually made me feel proud of my post-pregnancy body was an image someone recently posted on Facebook of a woman's middle, including stretchmarks. The caption was: "Your body is not ruined. Your a ... tiger who earned her stripes" [profanity omitted]. Heck yeah I am. Now if we looked at it that way, we all might be a little more content with these bodies that don't look like teen-age anorexic model bodies.

A last thing that made me feel pretty empowered about being a woman and bearing children was triggered by something I saw on PBS. I turned the show on while nursing or something and it was about the early Puritan women who helped settle our country. I wish I could remember the name of the show or the woman/women it was specifically about, but it's a bit fuzzy. The show mentioned how these early women were valued for their ability to bear children. Children were critical for the survival of the colonies -- both to help with work as well as to be a propagation of the species. The woman the show was mostly about had borne 10 children and was highly valued for her ability to do so.  I think there's a lot to learn here.  Imagine if we valued women for their abilities to reproduce, and also valued children for their ability to help out and be productive, not to be a drain.  Interesting.

(Look!  Becca made me a quote!!)

Update 4/5/12:  If you want the whole story, it was posted on The Gift of Giving Life blog.

Nature or Nurture

I quite enjoyed this latest post from NotMolly entitled, Nature or Nurture?  Particularly:

People have debated the merits of nature versus nurture in the development of traits and characteristics for quite a long time. In this situation, I’d argue that the whole negative ball of wax is a cumulative effect of nurture: how we train ourselves, and how we train those around us. . . . Small cutting remarks grow into a habit of cruelty in thought and deed. . . .

When a child is “treated” to a decade and a half of a parent stating, right in front of that tiny personage, how Mum or Daddy “can’t WAIT til the kids are back in school,” or “how great it was before kids” or “we’re turning his room into a sewing room the weekend he graduates, so he’d better have something planned!”, how on earth is that supposed to do anything but alienate the affection that ought to exist between parent and child? Would we, as reasonable adults, ever deign to waste our emotions on people who treated us this way?

When interaction with a child, time with a child, is routinely passed over in favor of “mature” pursuits, “me” time, and other semi-selfish desires, what message does that give to a formative character? What worth must they assume they have, if they are never “worth” our time and effort?

None of this is to say that a parent ought to devote every single breath of every single day catering a child; quite the opposite! Children need not be catered to at all: they deserve nurturing and mentoring, not catering. Catering connotes “serving up on a platter, satisfying every whim”, which leads to an aggrandizement of self versus the control of self and channeling of passions in productive ways. . . .

To Have or Have Not Children

Elder Neil Anderson gave an inspiring talk on mothering/parenting yesterday.  He talked about how the the choice to have children is between a husband, a wife, and God.  He also stressed that to have children is a commandment.  I think we often forget that second part about it being a commandment, but it should probably be one of the first things we consider.  We need to do a better job as parents at teaching young people that children are a responsibility of marriage.  We need to teach them how to understand, accept, and prepare for that.

I've surely mentioned on this blog that my husband and I weren't too excited about having kids, but after waiting several years, we determined it was time to be obedient and give it a try.  It was actually 13 months of trying, then we miscarried at 11 weeks.  What a lesson that was, and it gave us a deeper appreciation for children.  After much thought and learning, now our attitude is to welcome children into our family, one at a time (well, unless there are two!).  We won't put a cap on it until we "Know" we're done -- whether by feelings or the evidence of my body and mental state being finished, or whatever other circumstances (perhaps health of other family members or even money).  Raising children is not easy, and it's often not fun, but it is a commandment.  I have faith that it will all be worth it someday.  The Eyre's had some good counsel on this topic (Having another child: Questions Couples Can Consider, Des. News, April 1, 2011).

I'm afraid that sometimes people get so overwhelmed by so many little children so fast that they give up on the thought that they could ever have any more, so they claim to be "done."  Why not wait until the kids are a little older to decide that?  When they are little, it is soooooo hard!  It doesn't seem to be the best time to be making such big decisions.

I also believe that people jump to the conclusion that they will only have x number of children.  I feel that making decisions like that is like trying to decide on a first date if you are going to marry the person you're out with.  You just have to take it one date at a time, just like you have to take it one child at a time and not make decisions you're not ready to make.

Anderson quoted part of this from desiringGod (thanks to some fb friends for finding the quote):

The truth is that years ago, before this generation of mothers was even born, our society decided where children rank in the list of important things. When abortion was legalized, we wrote it into law.

Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get. In fact, children rate below your desire to sit around and pick your toes, if that is what you want to do. Below everything. Children are the last thing you should ever spend your time doing.

If you grew up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood, to think like a free Christian woman about your life, your children. How much have we listened to partial truths and half lies? Do we believe that we want children because there is some biological urge, or the phantom “baby itch”? Are we really in this because of cute little clothes and photo opportunities? Is motherhood a rock-bottom job for those who can’t do more, or those who are satisfied with drudgery? If so, what were we thinking?

Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.

Christian mothers carry their children in hostile territory. When you are in public with them, you are standing with, and defending, the objects of cultural dislike. You are publicly testifying that you value what God values, and that you refuse to value what the world values. You stand with the defenseless and in front of the needy. You represent everything that our culture hates, because you represent laying down your life for another—and laying down your life for another represents the gospel.

The Economist's Guide to Parenting

My husband Evan has been telling me about this Freakonomics podcast regarding the influence of parents on children.  He could have posted this himself, but he was doing the dishes (here's basically what he put on G+):

http://www.podtrac.com/pts/redirect.mp3/audio.wnyc.org/freakonomics_specials/freakonomics_specials060211.mp3
or
http://www.freakonomics.com/2011/08/17/new-freakonomics-radio-podcast-the-economists-guide-to-parenting/

Amazing freakanomics podcast sharing the research on the influence of parents.

The current research shows that parents have very little influence (other than passing on blessed or unblessed genes) on a child's educational attainment and on how much money the child will earn. Reading to your child doesn't help, taking them to museums doesn't help, once you've donated your genes you can't do much else. It does show that a parent can have a significant influence on whether your child smokes, is a heavy drinker, treats others with kindness and how happy your child is. Children with loving nurturing parents will be happier. There also seems to be evidence that type-A parenting (engaging children in as many enriching activities as possible) can have a negative effect as it won't help with education/career and it's likely to increase the child's stress and therefore unhappiness.




in sum:

Parenting can have a profound influence on a child's happiness and helping them avoid moral pitfalls.

Parenting has almost no influence on a child's educational or career attainments ($), that's dictated almost entirely by genes.

If you want to read to you children and take them to the museum go for it but if it's not a fun nurturing experience you may be doing more harm than good.

---

I'll have to listen to it.

Cooking in the home again and again and again

My friend, Cheryl, posted this fantastic epiphany she had about our roles.  You've got to read it.  Just lovely.

Here's the start:

The other day the kids were watching "The Jungle Book" while we were driving in the van. It was the end of the movie, the part where Mowgli sees the village girl and she's singing this song:

My own home, my own home
My own home, my own home


Father's hunting in the forest
Mother's cooking in the home
I must go to fetch the water
'Til the day that I'm grown
'Til I'm grown, 'til I'm grown
I must go to fetch the water
'Til the day that I'm grown


Then I will have a handsome husband
And a daughter of my own
And I'll send her to fetch the water
I'll be cooking in the home
Then I'll send her to fetch the water
I'll be cooking in the home

I remember hearing it and thinking, "What the? That's not very empowering for women." I didn't say anything out loud to the children, thank goodness, because two days later, I had an epiphany. . . .

The Language of Children

A bit back I read a post on MMB by Braden Bell entitled, Getting What You Want in Your Marriage regarding communication.   He addressed the situation where women (in general) drop hints rather than asking directly for something.  I probably drop hints more often than I think I do because I've always figured it was the more polite way to ask for something.  I guess I've felt that if I have to say, "Honey, will you grab the screaming baby out of my arms so I can put the gallon of milk back in the fridge?" it would insult my husband's intelligence because shouldn't it be obvious that if I were holding a screaming child while trying to get the milk back in the fridge, that I would need help?  Well, apparently, it's better to ask specifically, than to assume that my husband will know that I need help.

As I've thought dropping hints was the superior way to communicate, rather than to insult someone's intelligence, I was surprised when Bell suggested this type of communication was inferior and ineffective compared to just asking.  (OK, maybe he didn't actually say inferior and ineffective, but he definitely didn't favor hinting!)

OK, now to my point.  I just started reading Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott.  Chapter One is entitled, "The Code of Communication."  On page 5, Ginott suggests that children speak "in a code that requires deciphering," and on page 6 mentions children asking "hidden questions."  I was intrigued because the language of children sure sounded a lot like the communication of (some) women.  If that is true, and there are more similarities between the way children and women communicate, doesn't that give a bit of weight to mothers being the primary nurturers?

My next question is, so when do boys stop speaking the "language of children" and move onto the more direct language of men(/adults)?

Things to read in all your "spare" time -- yeah right

I'd really rather write a post about all these things separately, but don't have the time. I don't want to lose the info, though, so I'll just jot it all down here anyway.

1.  Heather over at Women in the Scriptures referenced One Thing Needful:  Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ by Patricia Holland.  I read it last night and realized it's pretty much my favorite chapter in her book A Quiet Heart if you want to read it without buying the book!

2.  I finished the Newsweek issue from March 14 that contained a lot about women.  In it there was an article about Hillary Clinton.  Now, honestly, the Clinton's aren't my most favorite people, but this comment about Hillary is worth mentioning: 

Speculation continues that Clinton would stay on in a second Obama term, and a few pundits go as far as to suggest she might even make another White House run in 2016, though Bill Clinton joked recently that his wife now covets the title of grandmother far more than that of commander in chief.

The article also mentioned:

• In the Saudi Arabian capital of Riyadh, where women cannot travel without male permission or drive a car, a grandson of the Kingdom’s founding monarch (Prince Alwaleed bin Talal bin Abdulaziz al-Saud) last month denounced the way women are “economically and socially marginalized” in Arab countries.

• “If there is one message that echoes forth from this conference, let it be that human rights are women’s rights and women’s rights are human rights once and for all,” Clinton declared. 

• Women still earn 33 cents less per dollar than men.

• ...the State Department estimates there are now 12.3 million adults and children worldwide in “forced labor, bonded labor, and forced prostitution.”

 Also, there was an article entitled, "The Feminists in the Middle of Tahrir Square."

• "Veiling and nakedness are two faces of the same coin,” she told one reporter. “Women are sex objects in the free market. I am against makeup. Plastic surgery is a postmodern veil,” she said, looking at me, smiling, laughing silently.

Just so you know, the only reason I was able to do all this Newsweek reading was that we went on a trip to Sacramento for a night without kids!

3.  Ruth at Empowering LDS Women linked to a Deseret News article entitled "From the Homefront: Why every mom needs a purpose beyond motherhood."  I very much agreed with the article, but I just wanted to add, that when we do make time for ourselves to do things we want, we still have to be careful not to over do it.  The author said she got burned out by not doing things she personally enjoyed, but I think, too, on the other hand, when we're getting up before kids and staying up late after they go to bed, it's just as easy to get burned out!  I keep trying to remind myself that someday in the future I can devote more time to personal interests.


4.  Last one: Erin at Mamas Who Know linked to another Deseret News article entitled "Studies say children subtract from happiness, so what do we really feel?"  Let me tell you, the stats and studies quoted in this article are so much of the reason why it was so hard for us to want to have a family!  After quite a change of heart, now, I was so ready to be so irritated with this article, but the point was actually good in the end -- although studies seem to say we have less freedom and happiness when we have children, we wouldn't give those children up for anything.

Wish I could say more, but I gotta go!

A few stats from the Mint.com blog

My husband pointed out these stats from Mint.com regarding social change:


50% of people 65 and over believe "The main purpose of marriage is mutual happiness and fulfillment rather than child-raising."  However, only 70% of Baby Boomers and Millenials agree.


66% of Baby Boomers agree that "Divorce is preferable to staying in an unhappy marriage," however, only 54% of Millenials and Generation Xers agree.

To me, it sounds like people get married for personal satisfaction, rather than to have children; whereas, younger people are more likely to tough out a more difficult marriage (I'd assume at least if there are children in the family, anyway).  Maybe the younger people had parents who divorced and learned that's not something they want to do.

Fleeting Childhood

(Editor Emily's note:  I asked my friend Heather if I could link to this post on her blog or just re-post it.  I like the visual, so I'm just re-posting the whole thing.  I'd love for Heather to post on this blog, but she's a little busy with 4 girls, a big calling, and serious family issues going on -- so I'm doing it for her!)

by Heather -- 24 Feb 2011

Today I was given a great reminder about how quickly time passes. For the last few weeks my mind has been bent toward my little sister & her baby. Haylee's baby has a brain cyst & has had to have one surgery already and is back at the hospital scheduled for another.

Well, this morning, I was getting Rachel some strawberry milk when the phone rang. My mom was calling to give me the update from Haylee and when I came back from the phone call to see how Rachel was enjoying her milk this was the scene in the kitchen.

It was such a visual reminder to me to enjoy the moment and be there for my kids. I love being around when my kids have flavored milk because they enjoy it so much and it is a sure way for me to get a compliment on being the "best mom ever!"

So, seeing the empty cup when I came back just reminded me how important it is to be there to enjoy my kids & to be there with them whenever I can.

Magic Moments

The other day I was playing on the floor with my 5 year old daughter.  All of a sudden, I had a feeling I've never experienced before: I actually WANTED to be playing with her more than doing anything else. Usually I play with the kids because I know I should; it's my duty -- my parental obligation.  I spend so much of my time dreaming about the things I can do at the end of the day after the kids go to bed. 

Now, obviously you can guess I'm a bit embarrassed about this admission, but I'm sure I'm not the first to feel this way.  I just can't believe it took me so long to figure this out!  What I learned is important:  There are some women who WANT to be with their children, not merely out of duty.

A friend, Michelle, recently suggested that perhaps having a "mother heart" is a spiritual gift.  In that case, since I know I can pray for spiritual gifts, I think I will be a much better, happier, and more content mother if I can better develop that "mother heart."

When we don't call on the powers of heaven to help us enjoy our duties as mothers, we are living below our privilege.  We could really be more happy about this aspect of our lives!

Additionally, I believe this increases my respect for women who have a lot of children.  Years ago I got over my criticisms toward those who (responsibly) have very large families, but now I understand WHY they do it:  they (well, some of them) probably love it just as some of us love history, or sewing, or politics, or blogging, or whatever.  How awesome that they love their job!


Lastly, a phrase my husband sometimes says is, "if you're not having fun, you must not be doing it right."  Now why haven't we fully grasped this before in regards to our family?  Having fun as a family brings those magic moments that make parenting all worth it.

Feel free to leave ideas of things you do to create magic moments in your family!

Girls Gone Mild/The Good Girl Revolution

I just finished reading Wendy Shalit's Girls Gone Mild (or in paperback: The Good Girl Revolution).  Shalit focuses not only on modesty, but on the influence of pornography on our society and our relationships; sense of self, dignity, and altruism; friendship; bullying; and feminism.   In a nut shell, Shalit says maybe we can make the world a better place by being nice, good, and virtuous.  She still uses some pretty explicit examples throughout, which I hope are not the norm, but they do help her make her point.  It seems to be written for a younger audience (maybe high school), versus a college audience in A Return to Modesty, so it's an easier read.

On Friendship (chapter 5)

• Women need to be more supportive of one another; knock off all the competition, sexual and otherwise.

On Feminism

• ". . . the meaning of feminism is up for grabs right now.  The ground is rumbling, and the ideological fault lines are shifting. . ." (206-7).
• "'. . . the sexual revolution's excesses have led to a devaluation of women and men.  We're playing into the dumbness of men and the dumbness of women'" (208).  I like that she includes men here.  If women want to be like men, why don't we try to copy good men, rather than the most base?
• "The word itself [feminism] has become almost meaningless---and can refer to diametrically opposed ideas---and yet hearing what feminism means to others is still interesting and can tell you a lot.  Some people use the term to signal that they care about the dignity of women.  Others use it to indicate that they want to fight the notion of being dignified at all.  Usually to the youngest feminists, the idea of decency is tremendously appealing. . ." (208-9).  I identify with the dignity side.
• One woman who went along with the feminist movement of the 1970s said, "'Now that I'm on the other side of life, I feel completely ripped off by the feminists.  I ended up with [STDs] and two unwanted pregnancies which I terminated. . . .  My supposed sexual liberation brought me lots of heartbreak and regrets, far outweighing the jollies.  The feminists simply don't acknowledge the downside of this supposed liberation'" (211-212).
• '"To become a mother". . . is something that nearly "every girlfriend that I know" wants. . . .  "We're in our early thirties and there is that time that you have, and most of my friends do want that, and that is just the reality. . . . Your priorities change"' (216). 
• ". . .I came to think of these younger feminists as part of a fourth wave. . . . The  fourth-wavers question pornography instead of wishing to star in it.  They are more likely to be fans of Florence Nightingale than Nina Hartley [I don't know who that is, and I'm not going to Google it].  They are most taken with earlier feminists, the nineteenth-century women who were temperance advocates as much as suffragists.  The suffragists argued that women should own property and have the right to vote precisely so that they might improve society with their moral perspective and their feminized heroism.  The early feminists also believed in the sacredness of sexuality, it's interesting to note" (219).
• [Caring for a family] can seem less significant only if your sole criterion is external approval. . . .  . . .Does this mean that our private actions are intrinsically any less significant [than public]? (223)

I didn't find the book as amazing as I found A Return to Modesty, probably because the topic wasn't so new to me anymore.   I don't know that you need to read both of Shalit's books, but one will broaden your perspective on modesty.

A Conversation with Bridget

Emily has asked me to write about my perceptions and experience with motherhood and I am totally flattered and overwhelmed. At this stage of my life (with three kids five and under), being a mom is pretty much what defines me and I am glad to say that I am feeling okay with this. However, it has taken me a while to get to this point and I know that as Sister Goates points out, I am probably in the “childhood” phase of motherhood, so I really am just at the beginning of this experience. One of the reasons I like this blog and Emily’s enthusiasm for this topic is that it reminds me to keep making motherhood - and being the best mother I can be - a priority. Even though things can get really frustrating (for example, my way-too-small baby is currently in the throwing all of her food/spitting her drinks out phase – yikes!), when my kids are raised I want to feel like I did the best job I possibly could have done. I know that doesn’t mean that I’m going to have perfect kids. I just want happy kids that know their mom loves them. One of my favorite articles that helps me to remember to enjoy the small moments and not stress to much about little things is Anna Quindlen’s article On Being Mom.

I grew up in Cedar City, Utah, but joined the church when my high school friends sent missionaries to me during my freshman year at Bryn Mawr College in Pennsylvania. I grew up in a very scholarly/secular home with great parents and as you can imagine my conversion was a challenge for our family. However, things progressed, I met my husband in Utah, was married in the temple and we went along our happy way with school and work. When we married I was very career driven and did not “just” want to be a mom. When I’ve asked Justin about why he wanted to marry me when he came from such a conservative background, he says that he knew that I had great potential and that he had faith that I would realize what I wanted to really do as time passed. I wasn’t necessarily waiting until I had finished school or gotten rich (that still hasn’t happened!), to have kids, I was just frankly terrified at the prospect of being a stay-at-home-mother. On both sides of my extended family there had been sad stories of women that didn’t enjoy motherhood, felt forced into being moms, and suffered from serious depressions and so even though my mom had been amazing and sacrificed so much for me I was always worried that motherhood would make me feel trapped and when a baby was born my life would be over. I knew that I wanted to be a mom someday, but I was definitely scared to take the plunge. My good and patient husband wanted to make sure I was okay with being a mom because he realized that the decision to have children would affect me the most since my life would be changing dramatically to stay home.

I’m not really sure what made me change. Maybe it was quite a few callings in primary, or watching my amazing mother-in-law love being a mom, or maybe it was just getting a little older, but after about four years of marriage we decided to have a baby and got pregnant relatively easily. I remember going along and trying to push myself with full-time graduate school and a demanding work schedule and about 12 weeks into the pregnancy after a busy day I just began gushing blood and we went to the E.R. Being at the hospital was a surreal experience. It forcefully hit me that there was a life growing inside of me and that this little life might be cut short. They did an ultrasound to check to see if the baby was okay and at 12 weeks we could see her whole beautiful little body and profile. I remember at that moment thinking that if I lost the baby my heart would absolutely break. I left the hospital with the doctor’s nerve-racking prediction that if I could keep the baby for three more days everything would be fine. Even though I was an emotional wreck for a while I was able to stay pregnant and I think that this event really made me want to have a baby.

My little girl was an absolutely adorable baby, but very difficult and it was kind of a rocky transition. Everyone warns you about the exhaustion you will feel with a newborn, but until you feel it for yourself you have no clue about sleep deprivation! I remember worrying that my mind was going to go to waste, so I would try to always read while I was nursing and I watched tons of classic movies from the library so that I wouldn’t be “wasting” my time. I remember one night I was again concerned with being able to get my baby to sleep in a crib without being rocked and my mother-in-law sweetly told me that it wouldn’t be long before my baby would be all grown-up and I couldn’t rock her anymore.

Difficult things with my oldest did pass and I think I really began enjoying motherhood when I connected with other moms and set up reasonable expectations for myself. Playdates and other opportunities to really talk to other women in my position and those that have been through raising small children, helped me put things into perspective. I know that I am a result-driven person, so I would initially get frustrated when I’d look back at my day and realize that the only productive thing I did was shower. Now, I really try to focus on spending quality time with the kids. Not necessarily doing an amazing craft or anything special, just being together. Even though we went from being “established” with a steady job and home after our first child was born to graduate students again, the decision to have our two other children was relatively easy. Although we were poor it just felt like the right time to have kids and really the Lord kept providing ways that we could make things work financially. We have kept trying to be frugal, but I know that things worked out because we have been blessed for trying to do what we should.

One simple thing that we do that helps me enjoy being a mom is that we read a lot of books and I know that it has been an important way for us to feel close, even when they were very small. A routine has been essential to all of us to help us keep a happy home. I think that my kids thrive on knowing what to expect and then at the end of the day I know that the important things for our family have been accomplished and it makes me feel better too. Even though I am seriously craft-impaired, I have found a love for creating things and have really enjoyed sewing in the past few years.

I am glad that now I can sit back and feel happy to be a mother and very grateful that I made the decision to have children. I know that even though we don’t do anything fabulous in our daily routines, the things I am doing are helping to mold people who can be the building blocks for happy families in the future. I try to let my kids know how much I love them and love being a mom and I hope that my girls will value motherhood and not be scared to take on this life-altering responsibility. I hope that my son will see how important it is to support and honor women and will understand how critical father’s roles are in raising happy children.

The moms that I admire have many varied backgrounds. Some of the amazing moms I know have not finished college, others have PhDs. Some are exclusively stay-at-home moms, others work full-time. I think that it really comes down to having to teach our children to be close to the Spirit, because there is no one right way to be a great parent and I think that as times change parents are going to have to continue to adapt to raise content and competent children. For me an education was very important, especially in helping me mature and I have a difficult time giving my best to my family when I work so I am currently choosing not to work very much (I help a non-profit about 10 hours a month). But, for my children I cannot say that my choices will be best for them and I pray that they will be mindful of the Lord’s will for them when the time comes for them to make decisions about family and parenthood. I know that it is cliché, but I am so grateful for the gospel and its’ emphasis on the family, because I think without the tools and knowledge we can gain from the teachings of the church it would be so difficult to be a parent in these times.

That was really long-winded, but I hope that others will write about their experiences with motherhood because I know that there is a lot we can all learn from each other (and that I still certainly need to learn!). Emily, thanks again for the great blog!

The Women of God Quotables

These quotes are from "The Women of God" by Neal A. Maxwell.


Teamwork and roles:
In the work of the Kingdom, men and women are not without each other, but do not envy each other, lest by reversals and renunciations of role we make a wasteland of both womanhood and manhood.

No wonder the men of God support and sustain you sisters in your unique roles, for the act of deserting home in order to shape society is like thoughtlessly removing crucial fingers from an imperiled dike in order to teach people to swim.

On children: 
The divine maternal instincts of an Egyptian woman retrieved Moses from the bullrushes, thereby shaping history and demonstrating how a baby is a blessing—not a burden.

God trusts women so much that He lets them bear and care for His spirit children.

On serving:
. . . [women] are too busy serving to sit statusfully about, waiting to be offended. 

On self:
Women, more quickly than others, will understand the possible dangers when the word self is militantly placed before other words like fulfillment. You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today’s world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms. . . .

I thank the Father that His Only Begotten Son did not say in defiant protest at Calvary, “My body is my own!” I stand in admiration of women today who resist the fashion of abortion, by refusing to make the sacred womb a tomb!

On being single:

We have special admiration for the unsung but unsullied single women among whom are some of the noblest daughters of God. These sisters know that God loves them, individually and distinctly. They make wise career choices even though they cannot now have the most choice career. Though in their second estate they do not have their first desire, they still overcome the world. These sisters who cannot now enrich the institution of their own marriage so often enrich other institutions in society. They do not withhold their blessings simply because some blessings are now withheld from them. Their trust in God is like that of the wives who are childless, but not by choice, but who in the justice of God will receive special blessings one day.     UAdd a Note