The Cause of Christians

I can't believe it has been so long since I've blogged here.  Well, actually I can.  About two weeks after my last post, my husband broke his femur.  Yeah, I said femur.  He was flying a kite.  A really, really big one.  He jumped with it, went up into the air, realized he'd gone to high, did a maneuver so the kite would come down, and smashed into the ground.  End of story.  In his words, "It would have been easier if I had died."  True, yet we'd sure miss him.

Honestly, though, I don't know that had he not broken his leg if I would have blogged much anyway.  I think I've just lost steam, and kids really wear me out.

As we all know, the same-sex marriage issue is a hot topic right now, especially in Utah.  Whenever my LDS Facebook friends post pro-gay marriage stuff, it just rubs me wrong and I think, "Do they not understand the Plan of Salvation?" As it makes me uncomfortable when they post pro-gay marriage stuff, I wouldn't be surprised if it rubs them wrong when traditional marriage advocates post their stuff. Since I don't like to be terribly opinionated on open Facebook posts, I've kept my mouth shut on the matter.

Recently, though, a graphic came around promoting a pro [traditional] marriage rally at the Utah State Capitol on Tuesday, January 28 at 7 p.m.  Although I completely agree with the cause, I felt really uncomfortable showing up there, maybe being seen on the news, and having people from all over the country looking at me and calling me a bigot.  I've read comments that are so hateful to those of us who still support marriage between a man and a woman and don't believe that "right" should be extended to others.  One commenter even stated recently that religion should be banned if it promotes a society that doesn't give the same "rights" to everyone.

In a private Facebook group, we began discussing the rally, and some were questioning why people are afraid to speak up about the rally and traditional marriage in general.  Answers ranged from fear to ignoring the prophet's counsel on families, to accepting defeat.  In addition to the fear of being perceived as an overzealous bigot, I was/am definitely ready to just give up and accept the defeat. However, Diane shared five points that gave me hope and courage:

1. The idea [for the rally] is taken from France. Last year while the French government was legalizing same sex marriage, over a million French citizen's marched through the streets because while the French generally support homosexuality they understand that children need to be raised by their mother and their father. The March was moving and caught international attention. It was a beautiful thing to see so many people in a sexually liberal nation out there showing that they care about the traditional family.http://www.lifesitenews.com/.../1.4-million-march-against...

2. Utah is the leader of the other 30+ states that have adopted man/woman marriage as part of their state constitution. Utah became a target the day after the Supreme Court heard arguments [regarding] DOMA last March. An out of state lawyer came from Washington D.C. to UT and with the ACLU got gay couples to start the law suit that killed our Referendum 3 on Dec 20th. This lawyer said (because of the Mormon influence) that if he could get UT, he could get any state.

3. So far the majority of Utahns have been silent on the matter. The media has been reporting that Utahns are ready to accept gay marriage. In fact, Utahns have been so silent that Representative Anderegg from Lehi reported that he received more than 200 calls from the pro-gay marriage side telling him not to vote to fund lawyers to fight Referendum 3 and no calls asking him to fund it. Rep. Anderegg thought this was not a good representation of his constituents so he made his own calls. Of all that he called, 12 said not to fund it, 16 were undecided, and more than 200 wanted the legislature to fund lawyers to defend Referendum 3. Not all Representatives are as good as Anderegg or care about what their constituents really think. The silence on the matter may just close the case for Referendum 3.

4. A rally at the capitol during the session is the most visible way for Utahns to end the silence and show support for traditional marriage. It will be a peaceful rally with some very good speakers. Bobby Lopez was raised by a lesbian couple and he has decided to speak out for children. There will be a Utah woman who was raised by a lesbian mother who will speak in support of childrens' needs for a mother and father. We will not be shouting and cheering. We will be there to show the other 29+ states that UT cares about families.

5. In my personal opinion, I do not think it is an accident that UT's marriage amendment went first. I feel like it is God giving a large gathering of saints the opportunity to lead the rest of the nation. We have been called to support traditional marriage and children being raised by a mother and father. The final paragraph written by prophets, seers and revelators that knew what we would be facing 19 years into the future called all of us: "WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society."

Additionally, Angela said:

When it comes to defending the family, silence is precisely what Satan wants. By making people afraid to even "go there" on social media by sharing this flyer with the majority of our LDS friends (and friends of other faiths), it is a victory for the adversary. I don't see anyone sharing this because they are indeed afraid. Afraid of looking like they're stirring the pot or getting all political. It is so so much more than this though, and if we just sit back and let it pass quietly, we will regret it. I saw this happen where I live in NZ. The people were all against SSM and SSAdoption, but they were too casual and it passed. NOW they are getting fired up and it is too late. Too late because they didn't do anything. Our school systems are already changing to facilitate this, as are the adoption agencies. It is so ironic that the very people in Utah who should be the most vocal in defense of families are afraid to admit it on social media and share it. Just speaking from what I've seen.

Tonight I sat down with our son to read scriptures.  I opened up to my spot in the Book of Mormon: Alma 48.  I read the first two columns, but started getting so emotional I couldn't read anymore and just began reading to myself and writing all over the pages.  Can I just tell you that since I started blogging and getting involved in "issues" online, three times this has happened!  I open up to wherever I am in the scriptures and what I read EXACTLY applies to whatever controversy is at hand, whether it be same-sex marriage or even Mormon feminism.

Let me summarize what happens in Alma 48. Amalickiah has just deceitfully become the king of the Lamanites after having the king killed then marrying the king's wife.  In verse 3, he seeks for even more power as he wants to also rule the Nephites.  In fact, he did get some of the Nephites to follow him.  As leader of this combined group of people, he "hardened their hearts" and "blinded their minds and stirred them up to anger . . . to go to battle against the Nephites." In verse 7, we read that Amalickiah also gained "power by fraud and deceit." 

Is this not what has happened today?  That old liar, Satan, through his servants, has tricked a great number of people into believing that the traditional family unit is not the fundamental unit of society and that a father and a mother are not necessary to provide the best environment for a child to grow up in and that a person is ruled by his or her sexual desires and that anyone who doesn't agree with this is terrible and awful and a bigot.

In verse 4, Amalickiah "was determined . . . to overpower the Nephites and bring them into bondage." Is that not what is happening with the issues with same sex marriage?  The proponents of it are ready to bring the religious into bondage --- to not be able to worship how we wish.

Opposed to Amalickiah, in verse 7, we have a righteous Nephite named Moroni.  Rather than tricking and deceiving his people to do wickedly, he has prepared "the minds of the people to be faithful unto the Lord."  Do we not also have prophets today who have prepared and taught us to be faithful to God and his plan for families?  

Moroni built up forts, banks of earth, and walls of stone to protect his people.  Have we sufficiently prepared our defenses by hearkening to our leaders on our doctrine?  (See Stephanie's related post here.)  Are we faithful to what we have been taught concerning families?

In verse 10 we learn that Moroni wants to protect his people so that "they might live unto the Lord . . . and that they might maintain that which was called by their enemies the cause of Christians."  They, too were fighting for religious freedom. They, too, wanted the opportunity to live unto the Lord as do many of us.  I never noticed it before, but do you think the Lamanites said the words, "the cause of Christians," with the same disdain that some of the secular world does today as if it is some contagious disease?

In verse 14 we learn that "the Nephites were taught to defend themselves against their enemies," "never to give an offense . . . and never to raise the sword except it were against an enemy, except it were to preserve their lives."  Did you hear that?  They were to defend, never to offend, but if attacked, they could protect to the death.  I see so many people doing this right online.  They share their belief, and when questioned, state the truth.  They do not go out picking a fight on the issue of same-sex marriage (although I'm sure it happens in some circles).  

Additionally, in verse 16 we learn Moroni's people did not glory "in the shedding of blood, but in doing good . . . and keeping the commandments . . . and resisting iniquity." Verse 21 states that the people were "compelled reluctantly to contend with their brethren."  They were also "sorry to take up arms against the Lamanites."  Isn't this how we feel?  We don't want to fight!  We don't want conflict!  We want things to be good and to follow God under His laws.  We want this contention to just go away so we can carry on in "the Cause of Christ."

Do you know the reason Moroni wanted to defend "the cause of Christians?" He knew, in verse 15 and throughout the ENTIRE Book of Mormon, that if the people were faithful, "God would prosper them in the land*."  As we inhabit the same land, we know it is true today.  We all want prosperity, not destruction.

So I don't know if you'll attend the rally, do if you feel so inclined, but please don't be afraid to stand up for "the cause of Christ," whichever one it may be. Write letters, make kind comments and clarifications, love as Christ loved, let others know where you stand, bear witness of the truth, and know, as Nick said in his last post at Real Intent, that the work will not stop because "the caravan moves on."

*An interesting thing though, just for pondering, is that although we know the Nephites would be prospered in the land if they were righteous, there's a clause still in verse 15 indicating that being "prospered" might include being warned to flee or prepare for war.  So perhaps prospering in the land may not always mean inhabiting a land and being successful, but merely being protected in whatever way is sufficient for our conditions.

Why I can't support same-sex marriage

My Family from WiddlyTinks.com

I believe in traditional marriage. I believe children are entitled to be born to a father and mother who honor their marriage vows faithfully. I know that redefining marriage may seem like the compassionate thing to do, but I truly believe that it will ultimately 
hurt the coming generations and our society as a whole. -- Natalie, Facebook

When Facebook exploded yesterday about same-sex marriage, I knew I had to get up to speed on what is going on. First and most importantly I have to say that I believe in obedience and I believe in my leaders.  I believe it when they say:

• That marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children. [What is our eternal destiny? That we can be with our spouse forever and have children.  To accept any other way would destroy a core LDS belief of the afterlife.]
• Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
• THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife.
• We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife. [We NEED to have babies!  No matter what, it ALWAYS takes a part of a male and a part of a female to make a baby.]
• HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. [Nothing about husband and husband or wife and wife.]
• Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. 
• Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.
• WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

I also don't think Eliza Snow was messing around when she said, "In the heavens are parents single? No, the thought makes reason stare!  Truth is reason; truth eternal tells me I've a mother there"  Note, she did not say anything about an extra dad up there.

MMM also talked about the religious aspect of why he cannot support same-sex marriage, and I'm with him completely.

Have you also thought about what gay marriage will do to temple work? Parents will not be able to be sealed, children will not be able to be sealed to parents.  God's plan for the salvation of his children will be even more frustrated than it already is.

I know many people disregard the religious aspect of this, but there is still the future of the children we need to consider.  I learned a lot from this Meridian Magazine article, "The Inequalities of 'Equal' Marriage."

Once we change the essential public purpose of marriage, genderless marriage effectually goes on to legally declare the following: (1) that marriage is about meeting the private emotional and romantic needs of adults; (2) that contrary to nature and science alike, children do not need or deserve the protection, service, and socialization of both a male and female parent; and (3) that government, rather than biology and the procreative act, will determine the roles in relationships.

This legislation retires mothers and fathers, at best leaving only de facto agents of the state, who are, in the words of Judge Vaughn Walker, “joined in an economic partnership” to “support one another and any dependents” in their custody, as long as their “feelings about one another” motivate that action.

 This type of definition undermines familial relationships, whether in divorce court or just over the dinner table. “After all,” the Catholic theologian Bishop Paprocki explains, “if marriage is an emotional union meant for adult satisfactions, why should it be sexually exclusive? Or limited to two? Or pledged to permanence? If children don’t need both their mother and father, why should fathers stick around when romance fades?” And why should there be legal recourse to mother and child when that father abandons them? He’s only a romantic attachment. 

And by the way, here's a great one again reaffirming that a traditional family provides the best environment for children to thrive.  Just because we define family as any group of people, does not mean that children in any "family" will do as well as those in a married heterosexual home.  It makes me sad that rather than trying to make society stronger, we're just making it more shaky.  Are we not looking toward the future?  Watch the video, it's fantastic.

My heart broke reading the story of Robert Lopez, a bisexual man who grew up in a home with two moms. He felt so awkward, and didn't learn many social cues that come naturally to mother/father led homes.  He, however, eventually figured out where he fit in and stated,

Once I was a father, I put aside my own homosexual past and vowed never to divorce my wife or take up with another person, male or female, before I died. I chose that commitment in order to protect my children from dealing with harmful drama, even as they grow up to be adults. When you are a parent, ethical questions revolve around your children and you put away your self-interest . . . forever. . . .

Many have dismissed my story with four simple words: “But you are conservative.” Yes, I am. How did I get that way? I moved to the right wing because I lived in precisely the kind of anti-normative, marginalized, and oppressed identity environment that the left celebrates: I am a bisexual Latino intellectual, raised by a lesbian, who experienced poverty in the Bronx as a young adult. I’m perceptive enough to notice that liberal social policies don’t actually help people in those conditions. Especially damning is the liberal attitude that we shouldn’t be judgmental about sex. In the Bronx gay world, I cleaned out enough apartments of men who’d died of AIDS to understand that resistance to sexual temptation is central to any kind of humane society. Sex can be hurtful not only because of infectious diseases but also because it leaves us vulnerable and more likely to cling to people who don’t love us, mourn those who leave us, and not know how to escape those who need us but whom we don’t love. The left understands none of that. That’s why I am conservative.

I also appreciated this one by Doug Mainwaring and his brutal honesty about gay relationships as well as the satisfaction that can be found in male/female relationships both for spouses and their children.  (I copied way too much of his article, but there's even more good stuff if your read the actual link.)

The notion of same-sex marriage is implausible, yet political correctness has made stating the obvious a risky business. Genderless marriage is not marriage at all. It is something else entirely. . . .

Philia love between men is far better, far stronger, and far more fulfilling than erotic love can ever be. But society now promotes the lowest form of love between men while sabotaging the higher forms. Gay culture continues to promote the sexualization of all (viewing one’s self and other males primarily as sexual beings), while proving itself nearly bankrupt when it comes to fostering any other aspect of male/male relationships. . . . [I'd say it also applies to heterosexual relationships, too.  Our culture seems to train us to think sex is the best thing in the world.  We ought to rethink that a loving relationship is the best thing in the world, and on top of that, if married, comes sex: the icing on the cake.]

[After marrying a woman and adopting after infertility] A great shock came the day after we brought our son home from the adoption agency. While driving home for lunch, I was suddenly overcome with such emotion that I had to pull the car off to the side of the road. Never in my life had I experienced such pure, distilled joy and sense of purpose. I kept repeating, “I’m a dad,” over and over again. Nothing else mattered. I knew exactly where I fit in within this huge universe. When we brought home his brother nearly two years later, I was prepared: I could not wait to take him up in my arms and declare our kinship and my unconditional love and irrevocable responsibility for him.

Neither religion nor tradition turned me into a dedicated father. It was something wonderful from within—a great strength that has only grown with time. A complete surprise of the human spirit. In this way and many others, marriage—my bond with the mother of my children—has made me a much better person, a person I had no idea I had the capacity to become. . . .

[After he and his wife divorced] I dated some great guys, and was in a couple of long-term relationships. Over several years, intellectual honesty led me to some unexpected conclusions: (1) Creating a family with another man is not completely equal to creating a family with a woman, and (2) denying children parents of both genders at home is an objective evil. Kids need and yearn for both. . . .

It took some doing, but after ten years of divorce, we began to pull our family back together. We have been under one roof for over two years now. Our kids are happier and better off in so many ways. My ex-wife, our kids, and I recently celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas together and agreed these were the best holidays ever.
Because of my predilections, we deny our own sexual impulses. Has this led to depressing, claustrophobic repression? No. We enjoy each other’s company immensely. It has actually led to psychological health and a flourishing of our family. Did we do this for the sake of tradition? For the sake of religion? No. We did it because reason led us to resist selfish impulses and to seek the best for our children. . . .

To be fully formed, children need to be free to generously receive from and express affection to parents of both genders. Genderless marriages deny this fullness. . . .

Moms and dads interact differently with their children. To give kids two moms or two dads is to withhold from them someone whom they desperately need and deserve in order to be whole and happy. It is to permanently etch “deprivation” on their hearts. . . .

Sexuality is fluid for many, and much more complex than many want to acknowledge. Gay and straight activists alike pretend this isn’t true in order to fortify their positions. . . .

I find that men I know who have left their wives as they’ve come out of the closet . . . adjust their entire view of the world and their role within it in order to accommodate what has become the dominant aspect of their lives: their homosexuality. In doing so, they trade rich lives for one-dimensional lives. . . .

Two men or two women together is, in truth, nothing like a man and a woman creating a life and a family together. Same-sex relationships are certainly very legitimate, rewarding pursuits, leading to happiness for many, but they are wholly different in experience and nature. . . .

Gay and lesbian activists, and more importantly, the progressives urging them on, seek to redefine marriage in order to achieve an ideological agenda that ultimately seeks to undefine families as nothing more than one of an array of equally desirable “social units,” and thus open the door to the increase of government’s role in our lives. . . .

I do feel compassion for gay people who want to marry, but in good conscience, I just can't support it.

*Here's another I'd like to read, and this.

I enjoyed this one at Beautopotamus, too.

Marriage Tips

Over the years my dad has collected advice and counsel about marriage.  At least at one point in time, he printed it off and gave it as part of wedding presents.  Now, he's got it online for your enjoyment!

He begins:

I met my wife just after she submitted her mission papers. I gave her an engagement ring
before she left, and I waited for her while she served a mission to Argentina. While waiting, I had a lot of time to think on the subject of a happy marriage, and to make some plans. Toward the end of her mission, one of my favorite pass-times became asking people what tips they had for one who was about to embark upon the tides of matrimony (not only asking those with happy marriages, but also learning important lessons from those with unhappy marriages and unmarried people). The answers ranged from "don't do it" to any number of very valuable suggestions. I realized that in order to have a pleasant and lasting marriage, positive and deliberate plans needed to be made. I thought of the beautiful young woman I was about to marry and I didn't want to jeopardize a potentially great marriage by making the same mistakes so many others had made. . . .

And a sampling:

• Never be jealous of your spouse's accomplishments. Be pleased with them. Consider compliments to your spouse, a tribute to you -- that you were clever enough to attract such a person.  -- Gilbert Sharffs
• Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. We should not expect our spouse to make us happy. -- Ken Rice  
• If your wife asks you to do something, do it. She doesn't ask unless she really wants your help.  -- Reid E. Bankhead 

Concerned about Marriage?

In this month's Ensign, there's a little devotional summary by Earl Tingey entitled, "Overcoming Challenges to Marriage."  I really appreciated the points:

“1. There may seem to be less encouragement for returned missionaries to get married. If that is your understanding, it is false. All returned missionaries should be encouraged when they return home to remain active in the Church, secure an education, acquire employment skills, and move in the direction of finding an eternal companion.

“2. Some young men feel they cannot meet the expectations of some young women. … Proper communication can address that uncertainty.

“3. An emphasis on education or career may put marriage in a lesser role. Marriage, education, and career can go together. A career without family, where family is possible, is a tragedy.

“4. Do not let your life be simply an existence that is fun or selfish. Life is more than an amusement park. Do not be hooked on obtaining possessions. Accept responsibility.

“5. A negative perception of marriage … may deter one from marriage. Some say, ‘Why get married when there are so many divorces?’ The existence of divorce does not mean you cannot have a happy and successful marriage. Don’t let the actions of others make your decisions. Determine that your marriage will not be a failure.

“6. Some put off marriage for financial reasons. Postponing marriage until money is sufficient to sustain a stylish living is not wise. So much of life together—struggling, adjusting, and learning to cope with life’s challenges—is lost when that happens.”

From “Three Messages to Young Adults,” Ensign, Apr. 2007, 38.

Emphasis added.

The State of Working-Class Men

I almost just "pinned" this, but thought I'd better save a few of the quotes from The No Good, Very Bad Outlook for the Working-Class American Man:

• Work, for men, means more than money: It connects them to their communities, makes them more attractive as mates and more successful as spouses, and is a linchpin of their self-esteem. When they don’t work, their role in the community tends to wither, harming the places where they live as well as themselves. Their family lives suffer, too. More and more often, less-educated men are strangers to marriage.

• Both men and women have suffered from the disappearance of well-paying mid-skilled jobs in factories and offices. But they have responded very differently. “Women have been up-skilling very rapidly,” said MIT’s Autor, “whereas men have been much, much less successful in adapting.” Women have responded to the labor market’s increased preference for brains over brawn by streaming through college and into the workforce—one of the great successes of the U.S. economy. Men’s rate of completing college has barely budged since the late 1970s.
• To women, men who either can’t or don’t earn a decent living are less necessary and desirable as mates; they’re just another mouth to feed. This helps to explain why rates of out-of-wedlock childbirth have risen to hitherto unimaginable heights among the less educated. Causality also flows in the opposite direction. The very fact of being married brings men a premium in their earnings, research shows, and makes them steadier workers, presumably because they have more stability at home. “Marriage is an institution that makes men more responsible in their pursuit of work and in their work-related duties,”
• Low-earning men are decreasingly able to form stable families. That, in turn, harms their children and communities. “Social capital disintegrates as you have a combination of drop in participation in the labor force and the disintegration of marriage,
• In 1970, more than three-fourths of men, no matter how much they earned, had wives; men at the bottom of the earnings scale were only slightly more likely to be single than were men at the top. Today, nearly half of the low-earning men are single, versus only a seventh of highly paid men.
• Family structure, in short, has become both a leading cause and a primary casualty of an emerging class divide. At the top are families with two married earners, two college degrees, and kids who never question that their future includes a college degree and a good job; at the bottom, families with one (female) earner, no college, no marriage, and kids who grow up isolated from the world of work and higher education. And the two worlds are drifting apart.

This is really sobering, not just the economic side of it, but what it's doing to the family.

Keeping the Flame Alive

A bit back I read Middle Aged Mormon Man's suggestions on maintaining a strong marriage.  I didn't think I'd want to jot them down, but I keep thinking back to them.  I'd better put them here before I forget:

1) Pucker Up. Don't be shy about kissing, hugging and holding hands with your kids present. They act like they hate it -and maybe they do - but it reinforces that your desire to hug your spouse is more important than their discomfort. (Note:  Don't be ridiculous about this - they don't need to think their parents are pervs with no self-control)

A little time after reading this, my husband came home and said how grateful he was that he married me and what a wonderful wife I am.  It made me feel so good.  We had a good, passionate kiss.  I looked over to see my girls looking at us in smiley dismay.  Now, my husband and I nearly always greet or go with a kiss, but the girls really noticed this one!  It was so cute.  A week? or so later, my husband came home from work and we were all in a rush.  My 5 year old came to me and said, "Mom, you and dad forgot to kiss!"  It was just darling.  Even today, after we'd kissed when my husband got home, my daughter found another time when we were parting (for just a minute) that we should kiss.  I think she likes it.

2) Be Inseparable. Sit next to each other in church/movies/etc. I know, there is a natural tendency to sit as far away from each other as possible, with the kids corralled in-between. Resist this impulse. Sit by each other. Hold hands. In years of sitting on the stand, I have seen a strong correlation that the couples with the strongest marriages usually sit next to each other in church.

My parents always did this (still do).  I remember as a child trying to sit between my parents and my dad saying, "No, you cannot sit there. I want to sit by MY wife!"  Once we knew that was the rule, I don't think we ever tried to sit between them.  My husband and I aren't as diligent with this one, but we've been trying more.

3) Date Night!  Go on dates - weekly if you can. I am constantly amazed when I hear someone say "We haven't been on a date in three months" but the couple manages to attend every soccer/baseball game all season long. The marriage is more important that the kids hobbies.  Is it a money issue? Trade babysitting. Exploit the grandparents. Guilt a Beehive into doing it for service. Do cheap things. which leads us to..

We're working on this one.  But I do have to add, we DON'T make it to all sorts of kid activities, we just don't have kid activities, but we also just have a hard time getting on dates.  We've been better at getting/pre-arranging babysitters, though.

4) Temple Time.  Go to the temple together. Let your kids know. Sometimes spouses will trade-off -one will attend, the other will stay home, then they swap. Go together. After all, temple is really all about that very relationship, isn't it? And it is a cheap date.

OK, I appreciate this one, but with the little kids and the potential to pay $18 for a baby-sitter so we can go to the temple just doesn't sit right with me.  It's not like we even talk when we're there.  I'm sure when our oldest can babysit, we'll go together again, but I just have a hard time with it now.  Plus, I do enjoy the individual/personal things I can learn at the temple.  I always wished I could have gone through the temple some time prior to getting married, just so I could experience it as an individual, rather than as a spouse, but that didn't happen.  I guess now's my time to take it in for me.

5) Bedtime. Go to bed at the same time.  I know I'm talking to the blogging world, and some of you might not understand what I am saying, so I will type it again, more slowly:  Go to bed at the same time.  Why? As your kids get older, they start to notice stuff like that, and if dad goes to bed, and mom stays up to clean the kitchen, questions will rightfully arise in their minds. Likewise, if mom goes to bed, and dad stays up to surf the internet, you are just asking for trouble. Kids are aware of these things...

AMEN!!!

How Long Is Your Marriage Going to Last?

From A New--Surprising--Relationship Predictor on Shine:

. . .marriages are more likely to last when the man and woman enter into it thinking the marriage is forever. . . . "People who believed [that the marriage was forever] seemed to have the happiest marriages, perhaps because they were more willing to work though their problems in a lifelong effort to fulfill their own expectations."

They also found that the amount you squabble with your spouse now, will probably be about the same in 20, or however many years!

The study was based on interviews with 2,000 married people over the course of 20 years!

A few stats from the Mint.com blog

My husband pointed out these stats from Mint.com regarding social change:


50% of people 65 and over believe "The main purpose of marriage is mutual happiness and fulfillment rather than child-raising."  However, only 70% of Baby Boomers and Millenials agree.


66% of Baby Boomers agree that "Divorce is preferable to staying in an unhappy marriage," however, only 54% of Millenials and Generation Xers agree.

To me, it sounds like people get married for personal satisfaction, rather than to have children; whereas, younger people are more likely to tough out a more difficult marriage (I'd assume at least if there are children in the family, anyway).  Maybe the younger people had parents who divorced and learned that's not something they want to do.

How Do I Change My Husband?

My sister-in-law, Sam, got How Do I Change My Husband by Merrilee Boyak for Christmas and let me borrow it when she was done. I'd forgotten I'd heard the talk, or much of it, at BYU's Education Week, so it wasn't too new to me.

The one thing I wanted to mention, though -- somewhat related to the last post -- was that Merrilee shared how she used to always try and change her husband to be more like her, then someone pointed out that because of their opposite natures, skills, talents, and qualities, they have all they need for salvation between the two of them (with of course Jesus Christ).  OK, that's probably not exactly how she said it (it's been a few months).

Isn't it true that if you look at you and your spouse you really balance each other out both in temporal ways as well as spiritual?  I suppose that's why they say opposites attract!

It's things like this that make me want to be a better wife!

I recently read a post over at Mormon Momma regarding some potential favoritism toward women and rejection of men and their roles and needs.  Some of the discussion I quite agreed with, others of it I don't totally agree with, but I can understand why people feel the way they do.  No need to go into it, you can read it and decide where you fit in.  However, one commenter, Lisa, made some profound statements about women doing their part that I wanted to post:

In the past I have had membership on large LDS women only message boards. While dozens of the members would complain about their husbands (or ex-husbands) joining recreational sporting leagues, gaming during off-work hours or taking too much time away in fulfilling their priesthood directed church duties like home teaching or presidency responsibilities, these women would spend many hours a day lurking on the internet chat forums, spending a great deal of money shopping for unnecessary, costly items and planning GNO’s where they would go and gossip about their husbands and tut-tut over their man’s inadequacies.

If many a woman doesn’t “feel” like providing a meal to her family on any given day, she feels entitled to shirking her duty to family in a pseudo-liberation rant of “I don’t have to do anything I don’t feel like!” and is applauded by her friends on Facebook or in gossip circles. If a man doesn’t “feel” like leading family prayer or in other family responsibilities, he’s labeled slothful and belittled. If a woman doesn’t want to clean her home and would rather craft the day away, more often than not- a man would be vilified for spending his day on a hobby when his wife expects him to tick off items on her Honey-Do list. I would think that both partners would deserve the reprimand for bad behaviors.

It’s a clear double standard that is even applied to physical affection. More often than not, a woman shouldn’t “have” to share intimacy if she doesn’t feel like it and can be quite rude about it but if a man refuses when approached by his wife, he is accused of sending the message that she is undesirable and unloveable and a beast for being “mean”. I’ve seen the complaint so. many. times. from woman who do not see the unfairness of the situation they put their men in.

I worry about the Pavlov’s dog analogy and if the society that is trying to uplift women is not in fact suppressing manhood and men, for men who enable bad behavior on the part of women are doing themselves and society no favors. I am doing my best to teach my daughters that women are to be held as accountable as men and to see equal respect for doing their duties- not elevated praise and adoration while casting the efforts of men by the wayside. I sincerely hope that there are mothers raising sons to see fairness and hard work as a mutual yoke in marriage. And I hope my girls can find those boys in the dating pool someday.

Where have all the good men & women gone?

Jennie over at LAF/Beautiful Womanhood linked to Where Have All the Good (Wo)Men Gone?, which was a response to Where Have the Good Men Gone? in the Wall Street Journal.

Jennifer Fulwiler (Where Have all the Good Wo(Men) Gone?) explains the debate between the sexes regarding who caused whom to have such ill behavior and shirk traditional male/female roles: 

I’ve seen debates like this before, and they usually degenerate into chicken-and-egg arguments about which gender’s bad behavior sparked the bad behavior of the other. Each side has some valid points, but I think that the entire debate is centered on the wrong question. I suspect that it was not the behavior of one gender that ignited this current animosity between the sexes; rather, I think it started when we, together as a society, started redefining marriage and sexual morality.

When sex meant marriage, people got married earlier. When sex and marriage meant children, young men worked harder at younger ages to prepare to provide for a family. If a young man wasted his early 20s on inane pursuits, there were real consequences: he’d be viewed as irresponsible and a bad provider, and thus his opportunities for marriage (and therefore intimacy with a woman) would be drastically limited. Young women held men to higher standards. For them, a boyfriend wasn’t just someone to “hook up” with (to use Klausner’s parlance), but the potential future father of their children — and they expected him to act accordingly. And young women were motivated to shape up their behavior as well: a woman who didn’t show any interest in the self-sacrifice and maturity required for
marriage would have a hard time getting dates.

God knew what he was doing when he designed marriage. This system takes the worst tendencies of men and women and orders them so that serving one another in love benefits both ourselves and others. I fear that these “Where have all the good (wo)men gone?” debates will continue to be fruitless until we take a hard look at what we as a society have done to the millennia-old institution for uniting the sexes.

Do half of marriages really end in divorce?

Kathryn over at A Well Behaved Mormon Woman shared some stats on marriage.  You know how we've all heard that half of marriages end in divorce, and we all get kind of confused by that number?  Well "The facts are, that fifty percent of ALL marriages do end in divorce -- BUT, more than 70 percent of all first marriages succeed."  Whew!

Submit and Preside

I was wasting time on facebook today and wandered over to LAF/Beautiful Womanhood's page.  I noticed a question someone had posted regarding what it means to submit to one's husband.  There were some good answers there.   The first idea that popped into my head was not being snotty with one's husband -- just as a child should not be snotty with his/her parents -- goes along with being meek, humble, kind, etc.  Now, a husband should not be snotty with his wife, either.  If that's happening, or if it's going both ways, sounds like there are problems that ought to be resolved.

Tonight while I was cleaning, I listened to a Conversation with Elaine & Stephen Dalton on my iPod.  Now there's a good 45 minutes (on fast play) of cleaning time!  If I did that every night, my house would look great.

What really struck me was the balance these two have in their marriage of submissiveness and presiding (presiding particularly being a hot topic on Mormon feminist blogs).  The Daltons demonstrated how these two words can be a beautiful thing if done well.

The main example that struck me was that Elaine Dalton submitted to the stresses of mothering 5 boys and a girl when her husband was involved for years in church service.  She looked at his service as their service.  He led in a church sense, while her part was to "hold down the fort."  Now that she's serving in a very visible position, he, too, looks at this as their service.  Just as she supported him, he now supports her.  You can look at it this way, too:  it really wasn't her submitting to her husband in his service, it was her submitting to God's will for them to serve in their capacities at the time.

The Dalton's also mentioned three things they specifically tried to teach their kids:
1.  Identity - son or daughter of God
2.  Listen to the Holy Ghost
3.  Don't be afraid to be different

Of course they also talked about the courage to be virtuous, too.

Well worth listening to.