Last night I read, "Families Can Be Eternal" by Spencer W. Kimball written 30 years ago. He was the president of the LDS church from 1973 - 1985. The talk could have been given yesterday. I was amazed that the problems facing the family then are pretty much still the same. 1980 doesn't sound that long ago, does it? Gulp.
Our obligation to the family:
". . .whenever anything so basic as the eternal family is imperiled, we have a solemn obligation to speak out, lest there be critical damage to the family institution by those who seem to be deliberately destructive of it."
". . . many of the social restraints which in the past have helped to reinforce and to shore up the family are dissolving and disappearing. The time will come when only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us."
". . . There are those who would define the family in such a nontraditional way that they would define it out of existence. The more governments try in vain to take the place of the family, the less effective governments will be in performing the traditional and basic roles for which governments are formed in the first place.
". . . We are free to resist those moves which downplay the significance of the family and which play up the significance of selfish individualism."
". . .We genuinely welcome help, real help, from churches, schools, colleges, and universities, from thoughtful men and women of every race, creed, and culture who care about the family."
A Return to Modesty Point
President Kimball pointed out that "so many of the difficulties which beset the family today stem from the breaking of the seventh commandment (see Ex. 20:14). Total chastity before marriage and total fidelity after are still the standard from which there can be no deviation without sin, misery, and unhappiness." After reading Wendy Shalit's A Return to Modesty, where she suggests that if we all respected modesty, women would be safer; we can add that not only will women be safer when we are modest (which goes hand in hand with chastity, etc.), but so will families.
"Rising generations who have been taught that authority and loving discipline are wrong will not keep the fifth commandment, honoring their fathers and mothers (see Ex. 20:12). How can the rising generations honor their parents if their parents have dishonored themselves—especially by breaking the seventh commandment?"
The Feminine Minority Point
Patricia Regar, author of The Feminine Minority, suggested that one reason Margaret Sanger (founder of Planned Parenthood) wanted to restrict birthrates among the poor was so that they'd stop populating the world with more poor people (page 57). President Kimball had different point for a similar scenario: "Delinquent adults still tend to produce delinquent children, and that awful reality will not change simply by our lowering standards as to what constitutes delinquency—either in adults, youth, or children." I would think President Kimball's solution to the problem would be to care for and educate "delinquents" rather than eliminate them.
When times get rough:
"Permissiveness will not pull us through such crises."
". . . parliaments, congresses, and assemblies—cannot rescue us if our basic institution, the family, is not intact. Peace treaties cannot save us when there is hostility instead of love in the home. Unemployment programs cannot rescue us when many are no longer taught how to work or do not have the opportunity to work or the inclination, in some cases, to do so. Law enforcement cannot safeguard us if too many people are unwilling to discipline themselves or be disciplined."
I really like that part about how "unemployment programs cannot rescue us when many are no longer taught how to work." I thought that was interesting in light of today's economic crisis -- you could add integrity in one's work to the mix.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
My Time to Teach
I was listening to a "Conversation" with Claudio and Margarethe Costa. The Costas were talking about being happy. Sister Costa said when you're a mother of young children, sometimes it's hard to be happy because there are so many things you can't do, but when you realize it's not your time to learn, it's your time to teach, it makes it much easier. She was specifically referring to how frustrating it gets at church. She also mentioned that there will be times later to do things you want to get done such as clean the closet.
My thoughts:
My thoughts:
- Although I'd love to be listening better and participating more at church, I hope my spiritual stores are filled so that I can be aware and direct my kids in the things they need to know. It's their turn to learn the Gospel; I've already learned it (or at least should have!) -- not that I should neglect my personal growth. . . .
- I suppose if if I make cleaning a part of teaching (which I think it should be, but it's hard), that will make it less frustrating.
- Learning I do should not selfishly get in the way of the family, but should be of benefit to them.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Women of God Quotables
These quotes are from "The Women of God" by Neal A. Maxwell.
Teamwork and roles:
In the work of the Kingdom, men and women are not without each other, but do not envy each other, lest by reversals and renunciations of role we make a wasteland of both womanhood and manhood.
On children:
The divine maternal instincts of an Egyptian woman retrieved Moses from the bullrushes, thereby shaping history and demonstrating how a baby is a blessing—not a burden.
God trusts women so much that He lets them bear and care for His spirit children.
On serving:
. . . [women] are too busy serving to sit statusfully about, waiting to be offended.
On self:
Women, more quickly than others, will understand the possible dangers when the word self is militantly placed before other words like fulfillment. You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today’s world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms. . . .
I thank the Father that His Only Begotten Son did not say in defiant protest at Calvary, “My body is my own!” I stand in admiration of women today who resist the fashion of abortion, by refusing to make the sacred womb a tomb!
Teamwork and roles:
In the work of the Kingdom, men and women are not without each other, but do not envy each other, lest by reversals and renunciations of role we make a wasteland of both womanhood and manhood.
No wonder the men of God support and sustain you sisters in your unique roles, for the act of deserting home in order to shape society is like thoughtlessly removing crucial fingers from an imperiled dike in order to teach people to swim.
On children:
The divine maternal instincts of an Egyptian woman retrieved Moses from the bullrushes, thereby shaping history and demonstrating how a baby is a blessing—not a burden.
God trusts women so much that He lets them bear and care for His spirit children.
On serving:
. . . [women] are too busy serving to sit statusfully about, waiting to be offended.
On self:
Women, more quickly than others, will understand the possible dangers when the word self is militantly placed before other words like fulfillment. You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today’s world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms. . . .
I thank the Father that His Only Begotten Son did not say in defiant protest at Calvary, “My body is my own!” I stand in admiration of women today who resist the fashion of abortion, by refusing to make the sacred womb a tomb!
On being single:
We have special admiration for the unsung but unsullied single women among whom are some of the noblest daughters of God. These sisters know that God loves them, individually and distinctly. They make wise career choices even though they cannot now have the most choice career. Though in their second estate they do not have their first desire, they still overcome the world. These sisters who cannot now enrich the institution of their own marriage so often enrich other institutions in society. They do not withhold their blessings simply because some blessings are now withheld from them. Their trust in God is like that of the wives who are childless, but not by choice, but who in the justice of God will receive special blessings one day.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Unmarried with Kids Trend Reported on NPR
LAF/Beautiful Womanhood linked to Unmarried with Kids: A Shift in the Working Class, a report on NPR. I found the article on NPR and the comments on LAF/Beautiful Womanhood very interesting. One quote by "Andrew Cherlin a sociologist and author of The Marriage Go-Round:
What I think is happening is that a lot of young adults these days think that having a kid is absolutely necessary and something you don't put off until someday in the future when you might be able to marry.I suppose the trend in the past was to wait and wait and wait until your career was established and you were married, then when you tried to have kids, it was hard. Sounds like now you just have kids whether you have a career (or any job) or a husband -- just so you don't miss the opportunity.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Submit and Preside
I was wasting time on facebook today and wandered over to LAF/Beautiful Womanhood's page. I noticed a question someone had posted regarding what it means to submit to one's husband. There were some good answers there. The first idea that popped into my head was not being snotty with one's husband -- just as a child should not be snotty with his/her parents -- goes along with being meek, humble, kind, etc. Now, a husband should not be snotty with his wife, either. If that's happening, or if it's going both ways, sounds like there are problems that ought to be resolved.
Tonight while I was cleaning, I listened to a Conversation with Elaine & Stephen Dalton on my iPod. Now there's a good 45 minutes (on fast play) of cleaning time! If I did that every night, my house would look great.
What really struck me was the balance these two have in their marriage of submissiveness and presiding (presiding particularly being a hot topic on Mormon feminist blogs). The Daltons demonstrated how these two words can be a beautiful thing if done well.
The main example that struck me was that Elaine Dalton submitted to the stresses of mothering 5 boys and a girl when her husband was involved for years in church service. She looked at his service as their service. He led in a church sense, while her part was to "hold down the fort." Now that she's serving in a very visible position, he, too, looks at this as their service. Just as she supported him, he now supports her. You can look at it this way, too: it really wasn't her submitting to her husband in his service, it was her submitting to God's will for them to serve in their capacities at the time.
The Dalton's also mentioned three things they specifically tried to teach their kids:
1. Identity - son or daughter of God
2. Listen to the Holy Ghost
3. Don't be afraid to be different
Of course they also talked about the courage to be virtuous, too.
Well worth listening to.
Tonight while I was cleaning, I listened to a Conversation with Elaine & Stephen Dalton on my iPod. Now there's a good 45 minutes (on fast play) of cleaning time! If I did that every night, my house would look great.
What really struck me was the balance these two have in their marriage of submissiveness and presiding (presiding particularly being a hot topic on Mormon feminist blogs). The Daltons demonstrated how these two words can be a beautiful thing if done well.
The main example that struck me was that Elaine Dalton submitted to the stresses of mothering 5 boys and a girl when her husband was involved for years in church service. She looked at his service as their service. He led in a church sense, while her part was to "hold down the fort." Now that she's serving in a very visible position, he, too, looks at this as their service. Just as she supported him, he now supports her. You can look at it this way, too: it really wasn't her submitting to her husband in his service, it was her submitting to God's will for them to serve in their capacities at the time.
The Dalton's also mentioned three things they specifically tried to teach their kids:
1. Identity - son or daughter of God
2. Listen to the Holy Ghost
3. Don't be afraid to be different
Of course they also talked about the courage to be virtuous, too.
Well worth listening to.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Why Education Is Important Even When You Stay Home
I was talking to a college-aged young woman in our neighborhood recently about school. She likes college; she's busy; she's stressed out; she finds it strange coming home for holidays and having to report to her parents her schedule. I asked her what her major is. She said she wants to be a pharmacist, but the chemistry is killing her. This is a bright young lady. I have no doubt she can be a pharmacist.
But, I wonder, doesn't she want to get married and have a family? She, too, has grown up believing that "the family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan" and "that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. . . . By divine design, . . . mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." I contemplate, wouldn't it make it kind of hard to be a mother and a pharmacist someday?
Why do we do this to our girls? Why do we ask them what they want to be career-wise when they grow up, when really we (or some of us) hope they will simply be able to stay home and be a fulfilled wife and a mother? Turning to ourselves, why did many of us set off on this fake career journey knowing that deep down we just wanted to find our dream guy and eventually raise a family? Do we need to spend all that time and money on education if we're going to "just" stay home?
Well, I don't know.
But I do know there is inherent goodness in education. From a scriptural or religious standpoint, in Doctrine and Covenants sections 88 and 109, we are encouraged to seek out of the "best books words of wisdom" and to "seek learning even by study and . . . by faith." We know that whatever intelligence we gain in this life will be an advantage to us in the next (D&C 130: 18-19). We also know that "the glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth" (D&C 93:36).
I also know that if something happens to my husband, I need a backup plan (maybe it's a new husband, maybe it's a job). I also have a hunch that someday I'm going to be learning chemistry and physics and calculus and all sorts of other hard things anyway, so I may as well get a head start on them in this life.
Most importantly, for my circumstances, doesn't education also also make me a better, well-rounded, enlightened person with a better capacity to serve my family and community? Education gives us more to think and talk about -- more than pop culture or gossip. It helps us feel balanced.
I had a discussion the other night with my husband on how college has helped me become a better person and mother. I actually had a really difficult time thinking of examples at first, but once I started looking at specific cases, I can see how I have used my education:
What about all that time spent in college? I ask, is it really that much time? You can earn a bachelor's degree an approximately 4 years. That doesn't sound like such a huge amount of time when you can be raising children from anywhere between 18 and 30 or more years. I think the trick is if marriage and family do present itself during those 4 years, take it if it's right, and feel good about it. After all, isn't our first priority our families? You can still keep learning, too, on your own! You can even go back later if you want. You can even go while you raise your family, but just be careful not to over-do it. Balance -- it's good for your health.
I talked to someone recently about her education. She said once her kids are older, she wants to go back to school. What she wants to do with herself now is totally different than what she studied when she was younger. She knows more about the world and has different ideas on what she wants to do with herself.
Speaking of going back to school and careers, I recently listened to this Conversation with historian, Susan Easton Black. Her story is fascinating. She became a single mother of three, and with the babysitting help of another mother who could no longer have children, Black was able to return to college and become a professor. She made the best of her situation and has made wonderful contributions to society.
Now I know there are some who are anti-college for various reasons, and that is fine. There is plenty you can learn on your own, especially in this day of access to so much information. College can just give you the opportunity to focus and teaches you what you didn't even know you should know (you don't know what you don't know). Wherever you get your education, though, you should.
Back to the topic of our girls, maybe so they won't feel like they're "wasting their education" when they do settle down to have a family, we should not ask them in a career-minded way what they want to be when they grow up, but ask them what they want to study. Maybe that way they'll feel they're taking their education with them, rather than leaving it behind with the career they didn't quite have. Perhaps we can also emphasize that the first priority is to be a wife and a mother; self pursuits, including education and career, and even hobbies, are secondary.
But, I wonder, doesn't she want to get married and have a family? She, too, has grown up believing that "the family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan" and "that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. . . . By divine design, . . . mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." I contemplate, wouldn't it make it kind of hard to be a mother and a pharmacist someday?
Why do we do this to our girls? Why do we ask them what they want to be career-wise when they grow up, when really we (or some of us) hope they will simply be able to stay home and be a fulfilled wife and a mother? Turning to ourselves, why did many of us set off on this fake career journey knowing that deep down we just wanted to find our dream guy and eventually raise a family? Do we need to spend all that time and money on education if we're going to "just" stay home?
Well, I don't know.
But I do know there is inherent goodness in education. From a scriptural or religious standpoint, in Doctrine and Covenants sections 88 and 109, we are encouraged to seek out of the "best books words of wisdom" and to "seek learning even by study and . . . by faith." We know that whatever intelligence we gain in this life will be an advantage to us in the next (D&C 130: 18-19). We also know that "the glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth" (D&C 93:36).
I also know that if something happens to my husband, I need a backup plan (maybe it's a new husband, maybe it's a job). I also have a hunch that someday I'm going to be learning chemistry and physics and calculus and all sorts of other hard things anyway, so I may as well get a head start on them in this life.
Most importantly, for my circumstances, doesn't education also also make me a better, well-rounded, enlightened person with a better capacity to serve my family and community? Education gives us more to think and talk about -- more than pop culture or gossip. It helps us feel balanced.
I had a discussion the other night with my husband on how college has helped me become a better person and mother. I actually had a really difficult time thinking of examples at first, but once I started looking at specific cases, I can see how I have used my education:
- Stress Management: Relaxation, and deep breathing techniques -- ways to stay sane!
- First Aid: Taking care of family members and teaching Cub Scouts
- Child Development: Let's just say I wish I would have paid better attention in this class. I regrettably admit that I felt too proud to be there.
- Social Hygiene: That was BYU's name for Human Sexuality. It came very much in handy when I got married, but was totally embarrassing to me while I attended (although the teacher was very tactful).
- Utah History: Fun to teach my kids and volunteer with them at This is the Place Heritage Park
- Geography, Geology, Environmental Biology: Fun with kids and Cub Scouts
- Education/Teaching: That's a no-brainer
- Behavior Change: Helpful for myself with weight loss as well as family situations
- English/Writing: Helps me so I don't look quite such a dork on-line and in other written situations. Helpful for proofing my husbands' schoolwork and my father's book.
- Leadership Opportunities: In college I had a couple opportunities to attend leadership workshops. These still prove useful in church and community service.
- Consumer Health: Helpful in discerning unscrupulous health fads
- Statistics: Taught me that you can interpret numbers any way you like, so be wary of what you hear
- International Development: Helps me remember that most of the people around the world don't live like we do. I can teach my children not to feel so entitled. I hope to take them on some humanitarian "vacations" when they are older.
- Religion Classes: At LDS Church schools you are required to take religion classes 7 of your 8 semesters. Not only did this help my personal faith and knowledge grow, but it helps me in public teaching situations. When I was asked to teach Sunday School, you can bet my New Testament class came in handy!
- Computer Classes: I'm almost young enough to be a digital native, but I still need some help!
- Sewing and Pattern Design: What a fun hobby to keep me busy!
- Cooking: Why doesn't my caramel turn out like I want it? Why won't my whole wheat bread get a lighter texture?
- Horticulture: What is wrong with my garden, my grass, etc.?
- Business/Economics: Even just a basic class would have been helpful here. Darn stock market.
What about all that time spent in college? I ask, is it really that much time? You can earn a bachelor's degree an approximately 4 years. That doesn't sound like such a huge amount of time when you can be raising children from anywhere between 18 and 30 or more years. I think the trick is if marriage and family do present itself during those 4 years, take it if it's right, and feel good about it. After all, isn't our first priority our families? You can still keep learning, too, on your own! You can even go back later if you want. You can even go while you raise your family, but just be careful not to over-do it. Balance -- it's good for your health.
I talked to someone recently about her education. She said once her kids are older, she wants to go back to school. What she wants to do with herself now is totally different than what she studied when she was younger. She knows more about the world and has different ideas on what she wants to do with herself.
Speaking of going back to school and careers, I recently listened to this Conversation with historian, Susan Easton Black. Her story is fascinating. She became a single mother of three, and with the babysitting help of another mother who could no longer have children, Black was able to return to college and become a professor. She made the best of her situation and has made wonderful contributions to society.
Now I know there are some who are anti-college for various reasons, and that is fine. There is plenty you can learn on your own, especially in this day of access to so much information. College can just give you the opportunity to focus and teaches you what you didn't even know you should know (you don't know what you don't know). Wherever you get your education, though, you should.
Back to the topic of our girls, maybe so they won't feel like they're "wasting their education" when they do settle down to have a family, we should not ask them in a career-minded way what they want to be when they grow up, but ask them what they want to study. Maybe that way they'll feel they're taking their education with them, rather than leaving it behind with the career they didn't quite have. Perhaps we can also emphasize that the first priority is to be a wife and a mother; self pursuits, including education and career, and even hobbies, are secondary.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)