Those They Left Behind

Next time you feel so inclined to be whiny when your husband is off doing service, Those They Left Behind might make you reconsider.  Well, it made me, anyway.

(It's about the wives and mothers whose husbands who were off on LDS missions and the women were left home to care for the family and the property.  Sometimes the husbands even died while they were out!!)

Sometimes We Just Want to Change the World

I've wanted to write a post about being a stay at home mom, a working mom, or an at-home working mom, but I just couldn't get it right. There was an older post on the Misfit Cygnet called How We Change the World that had some really good points for my time of life.  Obviously not everyone is in my time and situation, but these were good and validating for me.

The Misfit Cygnet said:

Long ago, when I was Advocate for the World, I did many great things to help other people.  I helped abused children, abused mothers, advocated for midwifery, and probably would have gone to Mexico or Haiti or Peru if it was in vogue in my earlier years.

You see, what I neglected to realize was that Heavenly Father already has a plan.  His plan is really, well–perfect.  He sent us here in family units.  Family units are His plan.  He sent us here with people automatically in place for us to serve.  They are not “our” children, you know.  They are His.  We are His.  We are in this together, and He answered the question, “Whom shall I serve?”  by putting us in groups called families.

Yes, we should serve each other, but we do need to focus on our families.  Nothing else will compensate for failure there.  Personally, I am not anywhere near believing that my family is all set…and think about it: if every mother in the church could put orphans, midwives, homeless, non-profits and conferences on hold and focus on her family for one year–what would happen?  We really could change the world.

While we focus on the family, however, we certainly do not ignore those who are in need.  Heavenly Father planned that out for us, too!  It is amazing what happens when we carefully help those who are placed in our path by God, and not wander on paths He has assigned for someone else.

(I added the emphasis.)

Many of us have a huge desire to get out and change the world -- we've grown up that way!  It's humbling to direct that desire to the home, at least for a season, and sometimes quite a long one!

I remember one of my seminary teachers one time was teaching about following the Spirit.  He emphasized that of course we need to follow the Spirit in all we do.  Say a person drops all her books at school and you feel inspired to hep her.  Should you?  Of course!  Say you get a feeling not to help her, and you wonder why not because it would be a nice thing that you might normally do.  Well, maybe it's someone else who needs to be prompted by the Spirit to help that day.  Maybe someone else needs that connection with the girl who dropped her books.


I assume we should use the same principle in determining how we serve outside our homes when we're in that  time of life with young children.  If you want my unsolicited advice:  If we honestly feel inspired and directed to serve in a project outside the home, DO IT.  If it's something we just want, and it's even good, but we don't actually feel prompted by the Spirit to do it, we should probably hold off.


One commenter, Amy, added:

When Pres. Benson asked mothers to go home (mid 80′s, wasn’t it?) my feminist teenage mind was furious but my neglected child heart was longing for my mother. My mom worked from home as the largest distributor for Brite Music (Mormon and values music) in the country. She spent hours on the phone, her evenings doing home presentations and hired neighbors to care for her homemaking chores. But she was home! All of us children knew that she wasn’t really home. Decades later my older sisters (who didn’t have a working mother) have all dabbled in business ventures and taken jobs outside the home. Those of us who lived with a working-at-home mother shun it like the plague. Ultimately my mom decided to continue working (at home) because she felt that what she was doing was helping so many families. While that may be true it’s also true that her younger children all struggle with the pain of being unnecessarily abandoned by our stay at home working mother. (The money she earned was used for nicer things and activities but not needed for the family to survive.)

This has led me to ponder how many ways I may stay at home but not BE home at all. Am I really present and “HERE” “NOW” or am I lost somewhere in the past or the future and missing the growth and education of my children all together?

 Wow.  I really liked what she said.  So, I think, it's most important that I'm home now, right?  Of course!  I've heard some people say that it doesn't really matter if you're home or away at work because you'll be distracted with other things when your home anyway.  So true.  However, this reminds me to get my priorities straight when I'm at home:  cut the blogging as necessary, stop other projects as needed, focus on the real priorities; let the hobbies, at-home work, and volunteer opportunities fall into place after.

2/9/11:  I was just reading the Women in the Scriptures blog, and there was a nice discussion entitled, "Mothers and Careers:  The Age Old Question." I liked the post, but really liked the comments at the end -- all dealing with this topic.

2/11/11:  I realized I wanted to add another teeny, tiny note at the bottom of this post regarding the great working mom versus stay-at-home mom debate.  Cokie Roberts in We Are Our Mothers' Daughters thinks the whole thing is silly; and she's probably right.  She suggests we all need to be supportive of each other; why are we women all turning against each other?  Interestingly, as I've learned reasons why many of my friends are working, typically part time, or even in the home, it's very often because there is a real financial need, but it's not like they want to go tell the world this.  This really emphasizes to me it's not my place to judge who's working and who's not!  We all seem to be trying to make the best decisions for our own families.

Oh Vanity!

Two articles came in my Google Reader today:  Atlanta gave a new perspective on wedding dresses that I've never thought of before, and Steph has an explanation for why Utah is high on the anti-depressant and general vanity lists.  Here's part of what she said:

I’m obviously not an expert on these sociological matters, but I think I can see where some of this struggle originates.  LDS women are like other women throughout the world; we have struggles and sadness and insecurities.  There are also rampant mental health issues throughout our society, to which we are not immuned.  As I have become more and more of an adult, I have begun to see how many people, including many friends and family, struggle with depression, anxiety and consistently high stress.  Life is a pressure cooker that seems to take a great toll on our mental health.  We often need help.  It is safe to say that we all self-medicate.  When pressures are high and our ability to deal with them feels low, we turn to something to help us feel better.  Within the LDS faith, because of our doctrinal principles, we do not turn to the same things that many, many other people turn to in times of stress– drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, pornography or self-serving sexual behaviors, for example.  Perhaps our anti-depressant numbers are seemingly skewed because of this.  Other people with the same struggles self-medicate differently.  (I want to make clear that I do not have an anti-medication stance.  At all.)  Perhaps this also explains, in part, the obsession with beauty issues.  When women feel overwhelmed and empty, they look for ways to make themselves feel better, and for LDS women, fake eyelashes is not “against our religion.”  Whatever the reasons, which I really don’t know, I think we all need to do a better job of turning to the right place for help.

 ****
2/2/11:  I was thinking about the vanity thing this morning and was continuing to wonder why the Utah culture falls into it so much.  I was wondering if at least part of it is that "everyone else is doing it."  A few years ago we lived in a neighboring neighborhood.  Many of the people who lived there just happened to not be into "the bling" (gobby jewelry, purses, fancy pants, boots, etc.)  so it made it easy to go out without makeup, or to have very plain hair, etc.  In the neighborhood we live in now, many, if not most, people are into "the bling," and I admit, I do feel pressure to wear more makeup (at least some) and to look put together to be accepted.

An example, I showed up to a group activity a month or so ago.  Everyone was commenting on each other's tall, trendy boots.  All 5 other ladies were wearing them.  I wasn't; I don't have any, nor do I plan on getting any.  I was wearing my clearance mesh top summer shoes that I haven't bothered to replace with something warmer for winter yet.  So, I did feel a little left out because I wasn't wearing my trendy tall boots for everyone to admire, but then again, I don't care enough to go get some, particularly because it's a fad.

Once I asked my mom about this phenomenon, too.  Growing up we lived in a lower-economic and simple part of Salt Lake City.  When we grew out of that house, we moved to a more affluent city and my mom noticed the same thing happening.  Because some people were into "the bling," others felt pressured into it, too.  And if they didn't buy into it, they felt less acceptance by the blingers.

So, in sum, perhaps part of the reason we Utahns fall into the trend trap is that so many others already have, and we feel pressured to do so because everyone else seems to be doing it.  If we're lucky enough to land in a neighborhood where bling isn't a big deal, count your many blessings; simplicity will rub off on you, too!

****
2/17/10:  I've been thinking about this post and have to make a confession -- I'm not too vain about clothes or makeup, but, boy am I vain about my weight!  There ya go.

The Mighty Elephant

Tonight I went to the Women for Decency kickoff meeting with my sister-in-law.  The speaker was Jill Manning who wrote Let's Talk about the Elephant in the Room and What's the Big Deal about Pornography?  There weren't a ton of people there, but it was nice to see other people who want to make a difference.

Manning told how she was reading 1 Peter 5:8:  "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour."   She wanted to learn more, so she studied up on lions and their habits and learned that the only animal the lions can't get are the elephants, so she learned about elephants.  She learned that the elephants in a herd are females, young, and injured/ill males.  The healthy males are solitary and don't join the pack.  She learned that when these herds/packs of elephants are in danger from such things as lions, they form a circle, faces out, with the young or ill in the middle to protect them.  She compared us to the elephants in protecting intelligently and diligently our young.  So not only are we now lionesses at the gate, we are mighty elephants!

What I found interesting was that a few things she said regarding porn and the acceptance of it, were similar points made by Wendy Shalit in A Return to Modesty and The Good Girl Revolution.

For instance, Manning said women are showing tolerance to pornography by dating and marrying guys whom they know have the addiction -- they think it won't be that big of a deal.  Shalit says similarly that if women will allow men to sleep with them without commitment, then men won't feel a need to commit because they can just find someone else to sleep with.  We need to stand up to them (society/the porn industry/immoral men) and let them know the expectation whether it's that porn is unacceptable, or that no, men cannot sleep with us without being married to us.

Manning said that our initial response to porn is typically disgust.  We don't need training in the subject, we need to trust our instincts.  Shalit says typically women do not want to show it all, they don't want non-committal sex, so listen to your instincts -- they're there to protect you!

Another interesting and different point was that Manning said that the porn industry is always whining about being censored.  She says it's really the porn industry censoring out the real truth!

The Dangerous Digital Vortex

Because this blog is becoming a "file folder" of sorts for cool things I find regarding women and raising families, I thought I'd link to The Dangerous Digital Vortex by Sue Bergin.  The article discusses many ways to safeguard our families against falling too much into the digital world -- avoiding pornography, teaching children, communicating, etc.

Miss Representation

This might be an interesting one to see:  Miss Representation.

From KSL.com:  "Miss Representation" focuses on how the mainstream American media objectifies women focusing on youth and beauty. The filmmaker spoke with high-profile women about how they rose above it.

Saw this also on facebook that relates:

From the Deseret News regarding Miss Representation: 

"We want to change the media message which is, 'women and girls are less important than boys,' " Davis said. "And we want to empower women and girls to reach their full potential."

From the article, I'm not sure if they believe staying home to raise a family is included reaching one's full potential, but I guess I'll have to watch the film to really find out.

Mormon Blogs

This article, Why I can't stop reading Mormon housewife blogs, cracked me up!!!  She makes Mormons sound all gooey-perfect, which, of course we're way not, but it was a fun read.

The grass is always greener. . .  (isn't that all what we struggle with?)

3/8/11 update:  Here's a little addendum to this topic.