Have you ever struggled with your role as a woman?

Heather, from Women in the Scriptures, was featured today at The Mormon Women Project.  I just loved reading more about her.  She's great.  I know if both she and I have had some of the same struggles about being a woman and a mother, others may have too:

...When I was really young, I told my mom I wanted a cause. I remember thinking I should have been a suffragette. I was angry that in Young Women’s we’d spend our time doing cooking or quilting. (We did whitewater rafting and rock climbing, too, but somehow to my young mind that didn’t count!) I had read in history about women who did big, important things to change the world, and that’s who I wanted to be! History never tells you about the women who stay home and raise the babies. I thought you didn’t change the world by quilting....

Attitudes on Women and Family - A Cultural Thing

I remember when the internet got big and people talked about having on-line friends.  I thought, whatever, I will NEVER have those. That is so dumb.  Well, I eat my words.  I've met some super cool ladies through Facebook and blogging, and one's name is Tiffany.  She lives in Saudi Arabia and has 5 kids.

I used to be the type to gawk at people who had 5 kids and wonder, what were they thinking?  Well, Tiffany experienced that attitude from people like me when she lived in the states; however, since living in Saudi Arabia, she hasn't gotten it at all (at least from the locals).  Not only does she feel respected for having a family, and a larger one, but she also feels safer if she has at least one of her children with her when she's out!  She feels that people respect her for being a mother, and I suppose you could say don't persecute her for being a woman.  This is a country where in some places, like the one where Tiffany lives, women are required to wear black abayas to cover themselves when they go out.  The women also aren't even allowed to drive!

Anyway, Tiffany put up a nice post about an experience she had at the mall today.  She saw a mother from a distance with a pretty baby and motioned to the mother how pretty the baby was.  The mother and baby left after a while, but later came back, and the mother motioned for Tiffany to hold the baby.  Tiffany was pretty surprised as she just couldn't imagine anyone sharing their baby with a complete stranger in the U.S.!

Anyway, if you like reading about foreign experiences, pop on over to In a maze of beige.  You can learn a little bit about life for women and families in Saudi Arabia (and more).

Too Busy

LAF/Beautiful Womanhood linked to Enough of Parenting Misery Lit, a critique of another article about raising kids in North America.  I thought there were some great things in it:

...I am not sure what is meant by the “lack of an adult life”. You generally should not become a parent until you reach adulthood, and the years spent in active parenting do, by definition, mostly revolve around the kids. In order to raise children well (to be secure, healthy, confident, well-trained, ultimately decent and productive human beings) you need to put in some time and effort. With a little more effort, spouses can make time for each other. The key is balance, and for most families this is the challenging part.

As a parent, you have to make a lot of choices. One of them is how much time you will spend together as a family, and how much time you will be involved in various other activities. This should include, by the way, not just sport, culture and recreation, but also things like community volunteering, which teaches children that life is also about making it better for those less fortunate....

Many North American parents feel not just a desire, but an obligation to offer their children the widest possible range of leisure experiences and activities. The choices are myriad: music lessons (Pick one—or more—of a hundred different instruments and musical styles, then decide: solo, ensemble, band, orchestra, choir, or a combination thereof?); sports (Which to choose? How many at once? Highly competitive or just for fun?); dance, drama, clubs, hobbies. Multiply by the number of children. Calculate the extra hours you as a parent will spend chauffeuring, waiting, fund-raising, cheering, volunteering, assistant-coaching. Multiply by the number of children. By this point, there is no need to wonder why you don’t have any “adult life”.

How much is too much? Where does “life enrichment” end and pushy-parent, stage-mom or hockey-dad syndrome begin? Should a pre-schooler’s life be so tightly scheduled that he develops severe anxiety issues? As children grow, they develop their strengths and preferences for how they wish to spend their after-school hours. The hard part for parents is knowing when to encourage, when to accommodate, and when to (regrettably) say no—or at least, not right now. Ultimately, the decision belongs to the parent. If it doesn’t, are you still the parent, or have you been relegated to chauffeur, lunch-packer and grudging financier?...

 The alternative is to tell your children that, unfortunately, they cannot do it all. This is not deprivation: it is reality. No one can do it all or have it all, not even people who seem to have all the time and money in the world. It is all right to tell your children that they will have to give up some activities entirely, or wait until next year or possibly even adulthood to experience them. Many North Americans are not willing to do this. They want their kids to do it all, play it all, learn it all, experience it all. And then they wonder why their life seems like the Neverending Story of Hellish Exhaustion....

 Life is burdensome for many; when it’s burdensome as a result of our own choices, it is time to find a new balance. It’s basically a matter of priorities, which each family must decide for itself. Parents simply have to be aware that every choice has consequences. There are only so many hours in a day and days in a week, and only about eighteen years in a child’s life until they leave the nest. How many of those do you want to spend in the car—or the studio, field, track, gym or stadium, and how many do you want to spend strolling in the park?

(I added the emphasis.)

The world in which we live

I don't know why I feel compelled to write about this on here; it seems more of a private matter.  I'm also not naive enough to think you are exempt from situations like this in your families, so this probably isn't news to anyone, but wanted to record my thoughts anyway.  I think this is just another example of why we need to be lionesses and protect our families.

I've heard mentioned several times the manual, A Parent's Guide, but have never read it before now.  It's the LDS Church's 1985 guide on how to talk to your kids about the body and sex.  Sure, some of it may seem a little out-dated, but there's a lot of good stuff in it.  We started reading it just in time.  When we finish reading  it, I'll probably share a few more thoughts.

Yesterday, my 6 year-old girl said something like, "Is it true that a boy and a girl who aren't married sleep in the same bed without their underwear?"  Gasp!  Deep breath.  "Where did you hear that?"  She'd been at a friend's house and a friend of that friend came over and was talking about it.

Sometimes, I don't know why, but I don't feel bold in calling a sin a sin -- I tend to say "bad choices," so it doesn't come across so judgmentally and meanly.  Luckily, though, we'd recently read this in the manual:

Your role as a parent requires that you pass judgments on your children and correct them as necessary. Some reports are not about accomplishments but about failures. Here you can be most Christlike. Without excusing or minimizing the problem or sin, you can react with concern, candor, and practical steps to correct the error or help your child repent of the sin.

Now the quote was clearly in reference to correcting a sin of a child, which obviously was not our situation, but the word "sin" was fresh on my mind.  Six year-olds also easily understand the word "sin."  I told my daughter something like, "Well if someone did something like that, it would be sinning."  Then we continued to have a little discussion on how our bodies are like temples and when we are married we can share our bodies that way, but if we do things like that when we are not married we cannot have the Spirit with us. . . .

Then, talk about a double whammy -- the kids had been outside tonight playing with some neighbors and my little 6 year old comes in and says, "So-and-so said, what if a girl was naked and someone took pictures of her and put them on iPhoto?"  I said, "Well that would be pornography.  Why was so-and-so talking about that?"  I then told her, yes, people do that, and it is wrong, and so-and-so shouldn't be talking about things like that.

I then asked my husband (I was nursing) to go tell the kid (another 6 year-old) that he shouldn't be talking about things like that, and it was time for him to go home.  I asked my husband if we ought to call the kid's mom.  My husband looked a little surprised at first, but really, he likes things like that.  So, he called the mom and told her what happened.  She was pretty upset and hopefully wasn't too hard on the kid (the manual talks about this).  It's not like they were looking at pornography, he was just talking about it, but I'd think she'd want to know.

When we had family prayer tonight, we again talked about the situation and told our kids that if other kids are talking about things like this to please let us know so that we can know what kids are talking about, tell them if it's true or not, and also answer any questions they have.  We told them it's okay to talk about these things with mom and dad (and we have had discussions in the past on the topic), but they don't need to go talking to their friends about this.  Our 8 year-old son seemed almost relieved to hear that it was okay to talk to mom and dad about when other kids talk about these things.  He seemed to like that he didn't have to keep it inside him and that he could let it out and that mom and dad could actually do something about it.

So, I guess I just write this to reenforce that it's never to early to talk to your kids about the body and sex in an age-appropriate way (the manual gives ideas on this, too).  I'm afraid, though, that the kids are getting more and more details at younger and younger ages these days.  I also want to say how grateful I am that we've been reading A Parent's Guide which has put the topic fresh on my mind and has given me some really good tactics in how to confidently talk about the body and sex with my kids.

I wasn't ready for Sister Beck to go!

I'm obviously a big fan of Julie Beck, the just released General Relief Society President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  So, when they announced her release at General Conference the other day, I felt a little cut short.  Has that much time really gone by?  I just wasn't ready.  My favorite thing about her is how upfront she is. She says it like it is, but I know she puts a lot of thought into it before she says it.

So, should I change the name of my blog?  No way.  We didn't give it this name to be trendy because Sister Beck said it.  Here's a little reiteration of how it came to be (as I quote myself, ha):

While up with her children one night, my friend Bridget came up with some suggestions.  One included Julie Beck's idea of a lioness at the gate guarding her family.  I loved it!  It's catchy, it's powerful, it's feminine.

The intent of the title is not to conjure up thoughts of "I am woman, hear me roar," but to remind us all that ". . .women are like lionesses at the gate of the home. Whatever happens in that home and family happens because she cares about it and it matters to her. She guards that gate. . . ."  If there are influences coming into our homes, though, that threaten us and our families, I certainly hope we'll roar back and do our best to get them out.

Sister Beck wasn't actually the first one to use the term "lioness."  I found that Margaret Nadauld had used it back in November, 2002:  "[A woman of faith] stays away from the evil influence and the unclean thing, and if it encroaches on her territory, she is as a lioness protecting her cubs. . . . "

I wish I'd been able to study all of Sister Beck's talks and articles, but I haven't; however, I here's a summary of what I have studied and what I have thought:


Julie Beck's May 2011 Women's Conference Address, posted May 2011

Julie Beck's Address from BYU Women's Conference, posted Nov. 2010

Teaching the Doctrine of the Family, posted Nov. 2010

Spiritual Education and Knowledge, posted Feb. 2011

Daughters in My Kingdom, Jan. 2011

A "Conversation" with Julie Beck on the Mormon Channel, posted Dec. 2010

A Tribute to the Titus 2 Ladies, posted Feb. 2011

Biblical Womanhood and the LDS Church, Part 2, posted April 2011

Mothers Who Know, posted March 2011

I am truly grateful for Sister Beck's boldness and bravery in doing what she was called to do.  Thank you, Sister Beck.  You truly had an impact on my life.

To read more about what people thought about the release of the General RS Presidency, see the post at Mormon Woman.

Easter Activity

I don't think I've ever posted a family activity on this blog -- more my contemplations (obviously), but my husband did something that the kids adored for family night tonight that some of you may like to try with your kids. 

Our lesson was, of course, on Easter.  My husband began by talking about Easter and the resurrection, where Christ was crucified, where His body was put when He died, etc.  Then my husband asked the kids about who came to the tomb and what happened -- Jesus wasn't there.

To demonstrate, after we reviewed the story, my husband pulled out a paper sack to represent the tomb and asked one of our daughters to put a Lego guy in it to represent Jesus (I hope that's not sacrilegious) and roll up the bag.
 

 

When it came time to open the bag (when Mary came), Jesus was not there!

You should have seen the look on the kids' faces!  Where did the Lego guy go?  They were pretty amazed. 

Well, it's pretty obvious to us, I'm sure, but just in case to make it clear, he previously cut a hole in the bottom of the bag and grabbed the Lego guy out as our daughter rolled up the bag.  He hid the Lego guy in his hand until it was time to be "resurrected."

You'd think someone would have taught this part of the Easter story like this, so maybe you've never thought of it either.

After this activity, we needed to fill some Easter eggs for an activity on Friday.  We asked the kids what Easter eggs have to do with the resurrection of Christ.  Our 8 year old son was quick to share an answer.  He said that the Easter egg is like the tomb, and when you open it up, the candy inside is like Jesus coming out of the tomb.  That's good, I'm glad he can put pagan with Christian.  We may as well think of it like that these days.

Then we asked, so what do Easter bunnies have to do with Easter?  Our 8 year old summarized a story he'd heard at the school library about some witch and some birds and the witch turned the birds into bunnies and that's why Easter bunnies lay eggs.  It was pretty funny.  He knew it wasn't real, but it was the best explanation as to why in the world Easter bunnies lay eggs.  I'll take the Cadbury type any day.

Then we had fun telling the kids that, really, the bunnies and eggs have more to do with Spring, which can very well remind us of Easter, but rather than focusing on them, we try and remember the resurrection of our Savior.

The Happiest Baby on the Block

I just finished reading The Happiest Baby on the Block by Harvey Karp.  I guess I'm feeling mixed emotions about it.  Our first child was a Babywise baby.  We followed it pretty well.  (I've heard criticisms about the method being too restrictive -- holding back feedings to maintain a schedule, but the book does say, feed the baby when the baby's hungry, which is what we did, so I didn't feel we were starving our kid at all under that technique.  He was a fatty.  I actually wonder if I over-fed him as I nursed him forever and he spit up all the time.)  I also had Secrets of the Baby Whisperer back then, but didn't really use it for our son.  It's similar to Babywise, but a bit nicer and gentler.

A couple years later when our daughter was born, I realized I'd felt jipped in a way because I'd always put our son down to sleep and never had all the snuggling I wanted.  So, when #2 came along, I snuggled her more and also carefully read the Baby Whisperer and tried to use that on her.  Our efforts were slightly curtailed, though, because at 3 weeks, she came down with RSV, which landed us in the hospital for five days.  After that she got reflux -- perhaps partly a result of the RSV -- something to do with the mucous left over from the RSV?  So, #2 got lots more snuggling, and we'd do anything to get that girl to sleep and not scream her guts out!  If a baby's sick, I wouldn't use these techniques on them.

A few years later, when #3 came along, we mainly used the Baby Whisperer, but she was just an easy baby as it was.  Everyone says how #3 is the one that throws you a curve ball.  In our case, though, 2 kids was hard, 3 was fairly easy -- all dependent on the kid.

I didn't re-read the books before #4 came along, but when she got here, she sure was (is) a mad, temperamental little thing (at least she's cute!). This baby has the problem of falling asleep then waking up about 2 minutes later.  She's done it anywhere between 4 - 14 hours in a 24 hour period.  It's caused her to sleep up to 9 hours a night (only once) because she's soooooo tired from being up for so long and crying so much.  I'm not so sure if so much sleep is a good thing at 2 weeks!  She's obviously tired, she just can't stay asleep.  She's also had the problem of sucking on the binky, but when it falls out, she wakes up and cries and wants it again.   I think I gave it to her 7 times this morning around 5:00.  Yesterday she took a 45 minute nap in the front-pack and a 2 hour nap later in the afternoon -- after an hour of coaxing her to sleep.  After 4 hours had gone by since her last feeding, I woke her up.  I feel like I haven't gotten that "sleepy newborn grace period" with this baby.  Two weeks is apparently when they get more alert and colic starts.  I'd say she was colicky from the get-go.  She's also a noisy sleeper -- lots of grunting -- maybe it wakes her up?  It doesn't help that the 3 older siblings want to see her ALL THE TIME.  That can't help her relax.

I'd heard a lot of good things about The Happiest Baby, and thought I'd give it a try.  I really wanted to find out how to get this baby to STAY asleep.  It seems like with the other kids, once they got drowsy, I'd put them down and they'd konk out.  They'd also get up on their own every 2-3 hours to eat.  Not with this one!  Anyway, after reading the book, I realized it's more of a how to calm your kid book, rather than a how to get them to be a good sleeper.  After being somewhat of a Babywise/Baby Whisperer convert (I guess I'm a control freak, and I find it a fun/freakish challenge to see if/how/when I can get the baby to sleep), I think I have a hard time believing that I can cuddle my baby so much now, and then convert my kid at 3-4 months to being a more independent sleeper.

I was talking to my sister about this today.  With her 2nd, a girl, who was also a bad sleeper, she did anything to get that girl to sleep (rocking, swinging, holding...).  Now that she's just over one, she's still a bad sleeper!  That's what I dread.  What if I do the Happiest Baby techniques now, and I end up with a lousy sleeper later?  My other 3 kids sleep great -- so I do have a little faith in the other books.

I did like the concept of the "4th trimester" (baby needing a more womb-like atmosphere) the first three months of life in The Happiest Baby.  I also appreciated the calming techniques (swaddling, side/stomach, shh, swing, suck) described in the book.  I feel pretty confident in getting a baby to calm down because of what I'd read in the other books, but just was stumped at what to do when you put the baby down, she wakes up, and cries, cries cries -- again, again, and again!!! (She's actually doing better today -- she's fallen asleep 2 times on her own.  Maybe it was just a bad first two weeks.)

What's your experience with the above mentioned books?  Did Happiest Baby work for you?  Were you able to get baby to sleep on his/her own around 3/4 months?  Were you able to discontinue binky and white noise use?  Any suggestions on what to do when baby just won't stay asleep?