Courageous Parenting

J Tolman over at LDS Women of God posted her thoughts on the Conference talk, Courageous Parenting, by Larry Lawrence.  It was a nice reminder.

The Women's Movement in Early Utah

A week ago I listened to a radio program on Eliza R. Snow.  In it, the commentator and Jill Derr were speaking of Eliza R. Snow and Emeline B. Wells in the late 1880s, and quoted Emeline as saying "Relief Society will help women's emancipation from error, superstition, and darkenss, etc., will bring educational and economic opportunities to women." The program host then asked, "Where did [Emeline] come up with these particular concepts?  Was it the [original Relief Society] minutes or something more along the lines of women's rights?" (minute 44:46).

Jill Derr answers that she believes it was, at least in part, a result of Emeline's life:  Emeline was married at 15, a mother at 16 and deserted by her husband, later married two more times, and during her life had to support herself.  You can understand why Emeline was a supporter of women's rights and suffrage because she saw that women needed the ability to care for themselves when life gave them lemons.

After that part in the program, the commentators talked about how women in Utah had the vote in 1870, lost it when the government felt Utah had too much voting power, then received it again in 1896 when Utah became a state.  They suggest that it was easily acceptable for women to have the vote in early Utah because women naturally voted in church affairs, so why shouldn't they in civic?

Women in early Utah are so fascinating to me.  They had a different culture than the rest of the United Sates; they were quite liberated in many ways.  I'd continue to like to learn more about:

• how did women's rights affect the women in Utah
• how did Utah women influence women's rights, and who
• how much did polygamy enable women to participate more in the community and politics

Any suggestions on where I can learn more?

I've found
http://www.ldswomenoffaith.org/
http://www.ldswomenofgod.com/blog/
http://scholaristas.wordpress.com/women-in-american-religious-history-a-research-guide/

Girls Gone Mild/The Good Girl Revolution

I just finished reading Wendy Shalit's Girls Gone Mild (or in paperback: The Good Girl Revolution).  Shalit focuses not only on modesty, but on the influence of pornography on our society and our relationships; sense of self, dignity, and altruism; friendship; bullying; and feminism.   In a nut shell, Shalit says maybe we can make the world a better place by being nice, good, and virtuous.  She still uses some pretty explicit examples throughout, which I hope are not the norm, but they do help her make her point.  It seems to be written for a younger audience (maybe high school), versus a college audience in A Return to Modesty, so it's an easier read.

On Friendship (chapter 5)

• Women need to be more supportive of one another; knock off all the competition, sexual and otherwise.

On Feminism

• ". . . the meaning of feminism is up for grabs right now.  The ground is rumbling, and the ideological fault lines are shifting. . ." (206-7).
• "'. . . the sexual revolution's excesses have led to a devaluation of women and men.  We're playing into the dumbness of men and the dumbness of women'" (208).  I like that she includes men here.  If women want to be like men, why don't we try to copy good men, rather than the most base?
• "The word itself [feminism] has become almost meaningless---and can refer to diametrically opposed ideas---and yet hearing what feminism means to others is still interesting and can tell you a lot.  Some people use the term to signal that they care about the dignity of women.  Others use it to indicate that they want to fight the notion of being dignified at all.  Usually to the youngest feminists, the idea of decency is tremendously appealing. . ." (208-9).  I identify with the dignity side.
• One woman who went along with the feminist movement of the 1970s said, "'Now that I'm on the other side of life, I feel completely ripped off by the feminists.  I ended up with [STDs] and two unwanted pregnancies which I terminated. . . .  My supposed sexual liberation brought me lots of heartbreak and regrets, far outweighing the jollies.  The feminists simply don't acknowledge the downside of this supposed liberation'" (211-212).
• '"To become a mother". . . is something that nearly "every girlfriend that I know" wants. . . .  "We're in our early thirties and there is that time that you have, and most of my friends do want that, and that is just the reality. . . . Your priorities change"' (216). 
• ". . .I came to think of these younger feminists as part of a fourth wave. . . . The  fourth-wavers question pornography instead of wishing to star in it.  They are more likely to be fans of Florence Nightingale than Nina Hartley [I don't know who that is, and I'm not going to Google it].  They are most taken with earlier feminists, the nineteenth-century women who were temperance advocates as much as suffragists.  The suffragists argued that women should own property and have the right to vote precisely so that they might improve society with their moral perspective and their feminized heroism.  The early feminists also believed in the sacredness of sexuality, it's interesting to note" (219).
• [Caring for a family] can seem less significant only if your sole criterion is external approval. . . .  . . .Does this mean that our private actions are intrinsically any less significant [than public]? (223)

I didn't find the book as amazing as I found A Return to Modesty, probably because the topic wasn't so new to me anymore.   I don't know that you need to read both of Shalit's books, but one will broaden your perspective on modesty.

It Pays to Wait

Study:  Couples who delay having sex get benefits later, BYU News Archives, Dec 22, 2010

Body Power

A while back I read Kathryn Soper's Why Standard's Night is Substandard.  She suggests that when we teach intimacy to young people, we tend to focus on young men bridling their passions and young women trying not to ignite that flame in young men.  She feels that we also need to discuss why some young women let their standards down:  the need for acceptance, love, joy, fulfillment, and one I hadn't thought of -- power.

I can't say power has been a huge factor in my life. I tend to fall in the Wendy Shalit camp where I'd rather be known and respected for my intellect than for my body (p. 30 Girls Gone Mild). However, I think Soper had a valid point that affects a lot of girls and women.

For example, I was at the grocery store on a busy day last December.  A woman was walking toward me wearing a tight, see-through, lacy, long-sleeved top with a skimpy tank top underneath.  The man walking in front of me noticed her, too.  I can't remember if he turned around after she passed to check out her back side, but I did notice the look of satisfaction on the the woman's face after she'd noticed she'd caught the man's attention!  I tried hard not to laugh!  Soper was totally right!

I believe Shalit would agree with Soper's point (p. 107, Girls Gone Mild), but she would also add more to the discussion regarding modesty in general.  After I finish Girls Gone Mild, I'll share some of her quotes.

Taking a Stand at Barnes and Noble

Here's another one.  Someone's got to do it, right?

To Whom it May Concern:

During December, I was at your store purchasing a gift card.  As I approached the checkout counter, I noticed several magazine covers that do not fit our community standard for decency (i.e. those containing scantily clad women).  I immediately thought how glad I was that I hadn’t brought my children shopping that day!  I purchased my gift card and went on my way.

The following week, I requested that a volunteer from our elementary school, where I sit on our PTA board, purchase additional gift cards from your store for prizes for our upcoming Geography Bowl.  After I asked her to do that, I remembered the experience I had with the magazines the week prior.  I realized by giving out the gift cards, we would be bringing elementary school aged children into your store and exposing them to things they do not need or want to see.

I know it would be too much to ask to remove magazines with inappropriate covers and content from your store, but could you please move them away to at least the magazine section, or merely provide covers if they must remain by the checkout counter?  It would make your store a much more comfortable place to shop.

Taking a Stand with the Dentist's Office

I don't normally write things like this, but I thought I'd take a stand:

Dear Dr. M:

We have been coming to your office for some time now; I’m sure you’ll remember us.  I’m the one who always has to tell you how my cute brother in law is doing in dental school.  Anyway, thank you so much for taking care of our oral hygiene needs!   We’ve always enjoyed your skilled staff and the services you all provide.

I wanted to write and bring up a concern that I’ve had on this visit and on the last.  Specifically, last week, when I walked into your office with my three kids, right within our view was a inappropriate picture of a woman on a magazine.  I picked it up before the kids could see it, intending to flip it over.  In the meantime, the lady at the desk needed me to update some paperwork, so I took the magazine with me and flipped it at the counter.  To my astonishment, an even more scantily clad lady was on the other side!  Not knowing what to do with the magazine, I handed it to the gal at the desk and told her to something with it.

Across the room I also noticed magazines that I didn’t want my kids to go near, so I kept them close.  I know you’re a family guy and run a family-oriented dental business, so I hope you can do something with the magazines, thus making it a more comfortable place for us all to come.

Thank you again for your service and hope to see you in the future!

1/13/11 Update:  I went in for my dental cleaning today.  I noticed ALL the objectionable magazines were GONE.  I hadn't sent my letter yet for two reasons. One, I thought I'd see what would happen between the kids' appointment and mine; and two, honestly, if I sent the letter when I wrote it, the dentist would have gotten it before my appointment.  I didn't want to feel awkward at my cleaning.  Anyway, I did mention the situation to the dentist about the magazines being gone.  He said he hadn't even been aware they were there since he rarely even goes in the waiting room.  Sometimes they also get the magazines just sent to them from the publishers.  He's seen similar situations in other offices, and the dentists just don't know the magazines are there.  He said please let them know if there are questionable magazines in the waiting area because he doesn't want them there either.  I knew our community had a higher community standard!  And... thanks to the desk gals who just took care of the problem!