Modesty: What are you selling?

Loved this one on modesty at MMB by Nicholeen Peck!

My favorite part:

. . .everyone is selling something. Each person you meet is selling ideas, morals, standards, agendas, and products.”

“Products?” she questioned.

“Sure! If you like a certain kind of phone and you buy it and use it you are advertising for that company. If you listen to a certain song with your friends you are encouraging them to like that song and maybe even go buy that CD. If you tell a lie and then laugh about it with your friends because you got out of a responsibility, then you are selling the idea that lying is okay as long as it serves you like you want it too. And, if you wear that shirt which shows a lot of your chest, your mother knows you are selling your body. You are advertising that you are happy to show what you have. Which leads boys to think you would also be willing to share some of it with them. Those boys would never treat you as respectfully as they treat another girl who shows that she values her body. They will treat her like a lady, and you like an object. Your mother doesn't want that for you. She wants you to have the best boys liking you and she wants them to treat you right. You should respect yourself. And you should respect your mother and go change your outfit.”

The disintegrating family and a book with ideas to combat it

Here are a couple things I saw today on the disintegrating family.

First off, did you see the WSJ's "America's Baby Bust" from the 2nd?  It reminded me a bit of Demographic Winter and population decline and the potential effects on society.

America's fertility rate began falling almost as soon as the nation was founded. In 1800, the average white American woman had seven children. (The first reliable data on black fertility begin in the 1850s.) Since then, our fertility rate has floated consistently downward, with only one major moment of increase—the baby boom. In 1940, America's fertility rate was already skirting the replacement level, but after the war it jumped and remained elevated for a generation. Then, beginning in 1970, it began to sink like a stone.

There's a constellation of reasons for this decline: Middle-class wages began a long period of stagnation. College became a universal experience for most Americans, which not only pushed people into marrying later but made having children more expensive. Women began attending college in equal (and then greater) numbers than men. More important, women began branching out into careers beyond teaching and nursing. And the combination of the birth-control pill and the rise of cohabitation broke the iron triangle linking sex, marriage and childbearing.

. . .Conservatives like to think that if we could just provide the right tax incentives for childbearing, then Americans might go back to having children the way they did 40 years ago. Liberals like to think that if we would just be more like France—offer state-run day care and other programs so women wouldn't have to choose between working and motherhood—it would solve the problem. But the evidence suggests that neither path offers more than marginal gains.

As I read, I, too, wondered what could make people want to have more children.  My initial thought was that we're too far gone for that.  It's so easy not to have children; we're too selfish; we don't even get married anymore!  (So why would we have children??)  Our world is generally not even family-friendly.  We worship the individual.

If we're going to reverse this decline [in population growth], we'll need to reintroduce into American culture the notion that human flourishing ranges wider and deeper than calculations of mere happiness.

I've been thinking so much about happiness lately and have been wanting to write a post on it.  I'm even trying to have the mindset that life is NOT about happiness, but is about WORK.  I think I'm actually more content when I set my expectation lower regarding personal satisfaction/happiness.

I also found this one interesting, too:

Higher education dampens fertility in all sorts of ways. It delays marriage, incurs debt, increases the opportunity costs of childbearing and significantly increases the expense of raising a child. If you doubt that the economics of the university system are broken, consider this: Since 1960, the real cost of goods in nearly every other sector of American life has dropped. Meanwhile, the real cost of college has increased by more than 1,000%.
If college were another industry, everyone would be campaigning for reform.

OUCH!

I also read today, the intro to Fearless Parenting about actually raising our kids to become mature, responsible adults.  Maybe I can read the book someday!

It’s not that as parents we don’t try. We hover over our kids twenty four hours a
day, we protect our kids from every imaginable harm, we cry with our kids when
they’re hurting, we provide our kids with the best of everything, we run interference
for our kids when they’re in trouble, we do science fair projects for our kids
when they go to bed and we throw ticker-tape parades for them when they graduate
from second grade. We’re doing everything for our kids except the one key
thing we should have been doing all along: prepare them for adulthood.

. . .Instead of teaching them how to struggle, we eliminate struggle from their
lives. Instead of teaching them how to persevere, we tell them not to try so hard.
Instead of teaching them to do without, we teach them all they have to do is ask.
Instead of teaching them to be adventurous we make them risk adverse. Instead
of teaching them how to succeed, we teach them to be happy because we’ve succeeded.

. . .We can teach them to value honor and integrity over “cool” and “sexy.”  

With the way things our with our society, our government, our economy, sometimes I wish we could just go colonize a new country and start over, only there's no where to go.  I wonder what we're in for as no one can seem to come up with any good plan to fix "things," and then even if they do come up with a plan, no one can agree on it.

Purpose in Parenting

I saw three things today that reminded me of the purpose of a parent.

1.  I loved this video that's been floating around for the last few days that emphasizes a father's role in his family.  It reminded me of the movie, Courageous.  What I want to see now is a similar video on motherhood to get me all weepy and happy.


2.

3.  My friend wrote a Facebook status about chopping walnuts.  I'd love to just copy it in here, but I don't have her permission, so I'll just summarize.  As she chopped, she stressed over all she had to do and what she might be doing wrong.  Finally, she took a breath and decided just to focus on what she was doing.  She noticed one walnut always jumping out of the way of her knife and "just going with the flow."  As she slowed down, she remembered she actually enjoyed cooking!  She noticed other little things around the house and then wondered how often she misses out on special times because she's worrying about other things.  She wondered about missing connections with her kids and other "blissful moments."  She realized she needs to be more like that walnut and "go with the flow" and try not "to fix and force things," but to "be still" and "be quiet" so she can "find the joy and contentment [she] seek[s] in places [she'd] never expect."  Loved it.

A Greater Good

Yesterday in Sunday School, our teacher, a doctor, shared a story about a young man who was ready to serve a mission.  As a child, the young man suffered from a condition that in most people doesn't go away, but it did for him.  Because the condition was gone, the young man wondered if he should indicate that he'd had that condition as a child.  The doctor counseled him to be completely honest in his mission application and indicate that yes, he'd had this condition.

The young man was concerned that if he indicated the past condition, he might be limited in where he could serve.  The doctor offered to write a letter explaining the health situation and clarifying that the young man was capable of serving without restrictions.

The mission papers were sent in, and the young man waited and waited for his call.  After several weeks, I believe the family asked the doctor to intervene and see if he could find out what the hang-up was.  After some sleuthing, they found that the doctor's letter had been overlooked and there was indeed some concern about where to send this young man because of his (past) condition.  Things were cleared up and the young man is now on track to receive a call.

Throughout the story, you could tell the doctor-teacher was really frustrated with the process of the missionary application in regards to health records.  I wondered if that was his big annoyance with Church structure.  I could tell he wanted a better system in place.

Last night, I recollected yesterday's post regarding "Mormon feminists" and thought about the things that bug them most about the Church.  I mentioned to my husband that everyone really does have their own "thing," don't they?  He kind of laughed and said he, of course, being a programmer is rather bothered by the technical issues he sees in the Church software and web sites.  Our conversation reminded him of some study he'd been doing on the Constitution earlier in the day regarding sacrificing for the greater good.  He'd run across this quote from Benjamin Franklin in a talk by Dallin H. Oaks that I think is worth sharing:

When you assemble a number of men to have the advantage over their joint wisdom, you inevitably assemble with those men, all their prejudices, their passions, their errors of opinion, their local interests, and their selfish views. From such an assembly can a perfect production be expected? It therefore astonishes me, Sir, to find this system approaching so near to perfection as it does. … The opinions I have had of its errors, I sacrifice to the public good.

And then Dallin H. Oaks summarizes,

In other words, one should not expect perfection—one certainly should not expect all of his personal preferences—in a document that must represent a consensus. One should not sulk over a representative body’s failure to attain perfection. Americans are well advised to support the best that can be obtained in the circumstances that prevail. That is sound advice not only for the drafting of a constitution but also for the adoption and administration of laws under it.  --The Divinely Inspired Constitution, Dallin H. Oaks, Ensign Feb 1992

Although this is about the Constitution, the principle of sacrificing personal interests for the greater, or public good is a nice reminder to let go of the hang-ups we may have with Church processes.  There's always a bigger picture than what we see, and although something that may bother us may seem huge, there are probably 100 other issues that bother other people that are also just as important.

Who Holds the Power?

I know this is a way old topic now, but within a day or so of hearing about the whole "pants" episode, I went to do my nightly scripture reading and happened to be on 3 Nephi 14.  The words in verses 13-23 flew out at me like a 3-D movie:

Enter ye in at the strait gate; for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, which leadeth to destruction, and many there be who go in thereat; Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.  Ye shall know them by their fruits.

Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?  Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.  A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.   Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.  Wherefore, by their fruits ye shall know them.

Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father who is in heaven.  Many will say to me in that day: Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name, and in thy name have cast out devils, and in thy name done many wonderful works?  And then will I profess unto them: I never knew you; departfrom me, ye that work iniquity.

After reading that, I felt it confirmed that supporting pants-type movements was not for me.  Now maybe some women have that "calling" to lead an participate in movements like this, but I'm not one of them.  

The other day I heard about the petition by the pants organizers to write letters to Church headquarters to ask the Church leaders to allow women to pray at General Conference.  I have nothing against women praying in General Conference; I think it would be great, but an organized movement to write letters?  Sorry, I think I'll stay away.  I believe the leaders of the Church are already aware of the praying discrepancy, and if it is supposed to change, it will.  I can't imagine that Church leaders are deliberately conspiring to hurt anyone in this situation, and I don't think a mass of letters coming their way is going to help things.

Image: Wikipedia

When Jane Manning James (a black pioneer woman) had concerns about her husband not holding the priesthood and about not being able to attend the temple, she DID question.  She even questioned the prophet, but she didn't gather up a band of people to petition for her cause (as far as I know).  She made it personal and plead for understanding in her own way.  I can't imagine the hurt she felt in her situation, but she did not cause a rebellion.

What concerns me the most is the premeditated organization behind these movements.  If there's a concerted effort to organize pants day, then letter-writing, what's next?  I also feel that by petitioning the Church for change, it implies that the power is in the Church itself, when really, isn't the power in us?  Aren't we the ones who can receive direct revelation for ourselves from God?  That does not require the Church.  What influence can I have on those around me?  It does not take the Church telling me what to do to serve others.  What is my personal ministry?  I find that out for myself.  The Church is just an institution to keep Christ's church orderly and to provide temples, meetinghouses, organized missionary work, and other great things. A sometimes imperfect Church structure does not need to cause me undue angst. I control my own microcosm.

All Things Testify of Him

Image: lds.org

[Note:  If you'll be offended that we don't do Santa, you might not want to read this post.]

If you know me well, you probably know that we don't "do" Santa at our house.  However, this year, to not be so abrupt about it, I've tried to focus on Santa as being someone who reminds us to watch out for and care for others. So, every time we see a Santa, we try and think, what can we do for someone else?  How can we help?

This not doing Santa really has its pro's and con's for very much the same con's as doing that Elf on the Shelf.  One of the most difficult things about not doing Santa is trying to get our kids to not tell other kids, at least when they're little.  Although we've not emphasized Santa at all, the funny thing this year is that our three year old asks every day when Santa is coming.  Rather than saying he's not coming, I've been saying, "Christmas is in three days.  We'll get some presents then, but Santa reminds us to watch out for others."  Honestly, I don't appreciate that others have indoctrinated her with Santa, but I'm glad I can give her not such a disappointing answer that Santa's not real.

I realized the other day, though, a flaw in me telling her that Santa is a reminder to do nice things.  It's great he's a reminder, but why don't I just tell her to think of other people when she thinks of Jesus?  Simply put, we don't need Santa to remind us of that; Christ has already done it.  I guess it's not PC to dress up as Jesus and walk around town, though.  There's a reason it's called Christmas (Christ Mass => Christ Celebration) and not Santamas.

So, I'd love to not have to deal with Santa at all, but since I can't beat the Modern-day Commercial Santa Machine, I guess I'll just have to continue pushing the caring for others idea. As I pondered this, I realized there are A LOT of Christmas traditions that have nothing to do with Christ.  Ironically, we've attached new meanings to these ideas to take them back to Christ.  I'd prefer we use more stars, sheep, angels, shepherds, light, etc. to help us celebrate Christmas, but I suppose I can ditch my desire for historical accuracy and take these new symbols along with their invented stories to help remind me and my family of Christ.

Along with Santa Claus being a symbol of Christ, other invented symbols include,

• Tree - Remember the Tale of the Three Trees?  I remember the first time I heard that story I was in Young Women's.  Nice story, nice thoughts, but so not real!
• Candy Cane - I'll pretend it was "J" for Jesus and that the red symbolizes the blood of Christ, but focus on the thought that it might have been formed as a shepherd's crook (just not for Christmas).
• 12 Days of Christmas song - I was tickled when I heard that there was some sort of religious meaning to this silly song, and then disappointed that the "true meaning," of course, was really made up, but I can still use that retroactive meaning to remind me of Christ, I guess.
• Stockings - The only way I can remotely tie stockings to Christ is by comparing them to the shoes put out by the Spanish children that are filled with hay for the Wise Men's camels and by sewing religious pictures on them of Christ, angels, doves, and sheep.

Tonight we read "Teach the Children" from Especially for Mormons, Vol 2, a story about Santa going to someone's house pleading with the parent to teach the children the true meaning of Christmas.  Here are a few more ideas on how to integrate modern symbols into the the actual past.

• Red ornament - first color of Christmas; reminds of blood of the Savior; greatest color of all; symbol of the gift of God.
• Tree - deep green a perfect background for the red ornament; second color of Christmas; symbolizes everlasting hope of mankind; youthful, hopeful, abundant color of nature; needles point heavenward (man's return toward heaven).
• Bell - reminder to return to the fold; guidance & return.
• Candle - shows thanks for the star long ago; mirrors starlight
• Bow - spirit of brotherhood of man; we should be tied with the bonds of good will
• Wreath - eternal nature of love; continuous round of affection; reminds us of all the things of Christmas.

Some of the above symbols may actually be "real," but I haven't researched them yet.  For now I'll try to make these modern symbols also testify of Him, but I guess I'm just more of an Alonzo Gaskill kind of girl.

The Part of Life We Call Death

Saying goodbye to mom

After the tragedy yesterday in Connecticut, of course my first reaction was to hide, keep my children inside forever, and even homeschool them.  I also again had the thought that is's a wonder that we actually live each day, rather than die.  I'm serious.  This will sound really pessimistic, but there are so many things that could kill us.  I think the first time I thought of that concept was a few years ago when I'd heard of some car accident.  Just the other day on the Today show there was a story about when someone is threatening to drive home drunk, most people let him or her.  Women protest it more than men, but in the end, the drunk drives.  In addition to the shooting, there was a stabbing of 22 children and their teacher in China yesterday. A couple weeks ago my not-yet-retired neighbor died of a massive heart attack.  He was healthy and fit.  Any one of us could get cancer or some other disease and die.  In so many ways, it's a miracle we're alive every day.

So how do we not fear death?  I think the first thing we need is an understanding of the Plan of Salvation and specifically that there is life after death; we need a testimony that we will live again.  We need to know that death is merely a passage to the other side, just as birth was a doorway to come here.  Perhaps we were just as nervous of birth before we experienced it as we are of death.  Maybe once we die, we'll realize it's not such a bad thing after all.  If we thought of death as a baptism where going down under the water might be a little bit scary, but coming up out of the water was the most beautiful cleansing thing, we might not be so fearful.

I'm again recommitted to teach my children the Gospel of Jesus Christ so that they will be prepared when their time comes.  I'm determined to help them not fear death, and as a mortician's wife once told me, to make it a part of life.