I used to be an optimist, then, a year or so ago, I did one of those little quizzes and it said I was a pessimist! I thought, "Whaaat? No way!!" I couldn't immediately identify things that would make me a pessimist, but a few months ago, I realized some things that have made me, well, a more bitter person. I won't go into details, but I've just had a lot of disappointments, that I guess have made me, well, bitter.
Ok, maybe I will go into a few details. Almost 4 and a half years ago we moved to another city. I lost quick access to my parents as well as my reliable friends. That left me a bit trapped and unable to do anything I might like to do, like write, or think a thought longer than 20 seconds. Now, of course, LOTS of people don't have the luxury of parents and friends, but it was new to me, and the change was hard.
Another thing that probably made me bitter was the change in culture from old city to new city. We came from a city/neighborhood where many people put a lot in to serving in church and in the school. It was like a well-oiled machine. We moved to a place where people weren't as interested in "putting their shoulder to the wheel," but were more interested in having "other people do it." When you're the "other person doing it," you realize you can't do it all, and you become unwilling to do it all to meet some imaginary (although fun and cool) expectation you used to have. The new city was more like someone dumped out the Ikea parts and wasn't sure what to do with them.
In a church sense, I've been with Scouts since we moved here: first as a Cub leader, then left without a partner for about 6 months, and also asked to be the Boy Scout Committee Chair at the same time. It was ROUGH with four kids, a new baby, and husband as Scoutmaster, then YM President. He had been my Cub partner, until he was asked to be Scoutmaster. He still filled in as my second adult, though. I did get a break from being the Chair for a while, but am doing it again now until the end. It's honestly hard working with men who don't see the value of your position and don't (well didn't) take seriously what they'd been asked to do with a Scout program. At first I pushed it and pushed it and tried to make it easy for them, but then after some major failures (like camp just not happening because leaders wouldn't come - this was even BEFORE the announcement of the discontinuation of Scouts), I realized sometimes it's just not worth it to push people into something they're not willing to do themselves, and have all the exhaustion and pain land on you. My husband now says, "you've just got to meet people where they're at." That was quite a change from trying to run the perfect program with imperfect and unwilling leaders. Anyway, I think this experience has made me a bit bitter, too.
I've also had some friendship fails the last several years. That's been rough, too. I think I'm a bit odd in that I'm not a girly, fashionable girl, I like to conserve and serve, I prefer Women's Conference over Book Club retreats, I like Relief Society activities more than book club, etc. Sometimes when friends don't work out, you get a little bitter and don't want to try again.
Well that's enough about being bitter. I hope I don't come across outwardly as being bitter, but I can see it reflected in some things I've written. Things are getting easier. The baby is now 4! Our oldest drives! We have good employment! Things are good, but life is sometimes hard and lonely.
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