Converstation with Julie Beck

I just finished listening to this "Conversation" with Julie Beck and her daughters.  It was really fantastic.  I wish I had the transcript so I could jot down a couple quotes.  In the conversation, they cover motherhood, experiences that made Sis. Beck who she is, running the Relief Society, the importance of not getting distracted from those important things we need to do, and much more.  Definitely worth listening to.

Another definition of feminsim

There's been a lot of good stuff out there lately!  Sometimes I really wonder if thoughts float around just waiting to be caught.  Maybe there is something to the "think method" like in the Music Man!!  I know that sounds weird, but you have to wonder.

My friend Hailey linked to this article on facebook:  As Sisters in Zion: Mormon Feminism and Siserhood.  As I've thought a lot about the word feminism lately, I really enjoyed Kathryn Soper's explanation -- especially in regards to Mormonism.

She points out that feminism is not a strict definition, but more of a conversation.  Very interesting.

I also liked this statement, ". . . resist patriarchy and you're a bad Mormon, embrace patriarchy and you're a bad feminist."  Made me chuckle.

I had to question this statement, though: Panelists were asked

to describe challenges and rewards of living lives true to the faith, yet out of sync with the cultural ideal of Mormon women as demure, domestically gifted "helpmates."[10] As I listened, I considered how the actual lives of the women I know vary so widely from that stereotype, and how its persistence as a standard causes so much unnecessary guilt, insecurity, and self-doubt that hampers Mormon women from filling the measure of their creation.

I think Soper's right in that women do vary widely from the stereotype, and they can be faithful, but I felt like there was a little bit of a knock toward those of us who are trying to become a "domestically gifted helpmate."  I'm learning to have fun with it, and I see it as a part of a measure of my creation. I don't think Soper meant it as an insult, but sometimes I sense that if you choose to become a "domestically gifted helpmate" that you may be looked down upon for not choosing something with more visibility.  I think I have just as much right and should have just as much respect as I would by choosing this for my life as I would in being a physicist.

The Male Privilege

My on-line friend, Mrs. G, just posted this:  Male Privilege.  Very interesting to think about.  I'm glad I have a man in my life to take advantage of the "Male Privilege," I think.

Watch What We Say

Another article on LAF/Beautiful Womanhood entitled Discouraging Younger Women concerned watching what negative things we say in front of younger women, especially regarding mothering and our spouses. 

I know some of my negative thoughts towards child-rearing stemmed from hearing such comments!  This was a good reminder to be careful of what I say around the younger generation when things get tough.  They'll figure out on their own that mothering and being a wife can be hard!

One Definition of Feminism

Another interesting article on LAF/Beautiful Womanhood today was regarding a definition of feminism:  "I’ll say that feminism is any movement that distracts a woman from her natural role as a wife, mother, nurturer, and guardian of the home."  I guess you can put it that way if you want to look at it in a completely negative view -- rather than one of fighting for women's rights, including the rights to stay home and be a wife, mother, nurturer, and guardian, etc.

I thought the author's point was pertinent in that the feminist movement did change the expectations of women:

With the onset of feminism, what happened was not that going into the man’s world of academic competition and work was secured as a valid option for the few women who didn’t marry. Rather, it was turned into the expected path for the many, many, many more who wanted to, and did marry and have children, and were then expected to juggle it all so as to “enjoy the best of both worlds” (side note: without truly being able to fully dedicate themselves to either path, as human resources are limited after all).

So, when a young girl today enters university or starts a promising career, it may be said that she is “taking advantage” of the opportunities feminism provided for her, but we mustn’t forget that she is also doing what is now expected of her – again, thanks to feminism. Academics and career are not a “treat;” they are now an obligation, and the reason why this is not fair to women is easy to see when you observe women juggling career with marriage, motherhood, and homemaking.

It goes without saying that not all women have “careers,” just as most men do not have careers, but simply jobs aimed at putting bread on the table. (And many feminists who hold themselves aloof don’t realize just how snobby and elitist it is to talk about “self-fulfillment” and “self-realization” and “empowerment.” Only a select few can afford that!). Many just work because it is now the expected norm for a woman to be doing “at least something” outside the home, and also because the flooding of the market with female labor force caused a sharp drop in salaries, so that living on one income immediately became much less comfortable than before (though certainly still feasible). Husbands began to feel that it is their right to expect the wife to generate an additional income, forgetting that it is their obligation to provide (again, in the Jewish tradition). All of this created a vicious cycle, the breaking of which requires conscious decision and quite a leap of faith.

Russia and Population Decline

There was a link on LAF/Beautiful Womanhood today to an article on the state of Russia speech.  "Political analysts were hoping to hear about missiles or democracy. Instead they got babies."

Sounds like Russia is getting concerned about population decline.  I thought that was kind of funny.  Nice to see that people are starting to get concerned about the state of the family again.

A Return to Modesty

In 1999, about a month before I got married, my friend Elisa told me about A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit.  I don't know why I wasn't too interested in the book at the time.  Maybe I was too busy; maybe I didn't care; maybe I was afraid the book would be too much info for my innocent mind.

Every couple of years since then, my husband says, "Remember that book, A Return to Modesty that Elisa told you about?  You should read it."  Finally after reading a review of Shalit's Girls Gone Mild (2007), I have.

I've quite enjoyed the book.  I especially enjoyed it because mostly it was the culture I grew up in.  Shalit is just a year older than I am and finished college also just a year before I did.  She explores and expresses in so much detail all aspects of modesty and perceptions of sexuality in our culture.  It's like she boldly took the words right out of my mouth (or mind) and also put new thoughts into my head.  And yes, it definitely would have been too much for my innocent mind in 1999.  I could have used an edited (slightly censored) version of the book, especially back then!  (See how I had to crop the cover of the book?  Just a little too racy for me.)  Shalit agrees that she is defending modesty "in the most obscene way" so that "our culture would . . . reconsider it."  I think she's right in that.  You can tell she is well educated and has thought a ton about this topic.  Her writing is very good.  I haven't read so many big words in over a decade!

I know the book was mainly directed toward young, single people, not old, married people, but the message still applies -- especially in raising children.  Some points that stood out to me:

• Shalit writes about the sex education and attitudes towards sex in the public school systems in some states.  I had no idea it was that bad!  After reading that, I can definitely see why many people want to home-school their kids.  After reading also about the living arrangements at some colleges and the promiscuous attitudes among students, I can see why some girls want to be stay-at-home daughters and avoid the whole college scene.  I became extremely grateful for my upbringing in the bubble of conservative Utah.  I also became extremely grateful for the opportunities I had to go LDS colleges where we had curfews, we always had to have 3 in an apartment, curtains open if a guy was around, etc.  I was also glad that typically in Mormon culture, if your relationship with a boy dies after you've reached the kissing stage, at least all you've lost is just a kiss, nothing more important like your virtue!
• In the past, modesty kept women safe. Men respected women's modesty and respected that women were different.
• Maybe our inhibition and embarrassment about sex is there for a reason.  These feelings can protect us from getting hurt in an intimate relationship that is not committed.
• Women are more selective about a sexual partner than a man.  They want someone who will stick around.  A man doesn't get so romantically/emotionally involved, and is more okay with casual sex; however, some people want women to believe they are as unemotional about the whole idea as men.  The sexual revolution of the 1960s basically "'permitted . . . more access to women's bodies by more men; what it actually achieved was not a great deal of liberation for women but a great deal of legitimacy for male promiscuity; what it actually passed on to women was the male fragmentation of emotion from body, and the easily internalized schism between . . . sex and responsible loving'" (192).
• Kids do want rules.  They may not actually do what we say, but because we say it, at least they know we care and have some expectation of them.  We also need to listen to them and not brush off their concerns so they won't take even more extreme measures to get our attention. 
• Modesty can be more intriguing that bearing it all.  It also causes others not to judge a woman just by her body.
• If a man can get sex without a marriage commitment, then there's no reason for marriage -- and it ruins any romantic hope of women for catching a man for forever.
• Shalit also pointed out, not quite related to modesty, that it was not the "patriarchy" but feminist writings that discouraged young women from staying home and raising a family (142).

I am excited to read Girls Gone Mild now to see what has changed in 8 years.  I wish I could find the audio book because reading takes up so much of my precious time!