Submit and Preside

I was wasting time on facebook today and wandered over to LAF/Beautiful Womanhood's page.  I noticed a question someone had posted regarding what it means to submit to one's husband.  There were some good answers there.   The first idea that popped into my head was not being snotty with one's husband -- just as a child should not be snotty with his/her parents -- goes along with being meek, humble, kind, etc.  Now, a husband should not be snotty with his wife, either.  If that's happening, or if it's going both ways, sounds like there are problems that ought to be resolved.

Tonight while I was cleaning, I listened to a Conversation with Elaine & Stephen Dalton on my iPod.  Now there's a good 45 minutes (on fast play) of cleaning time!  If I did that every night, my house would look great.

What really struck me was the balance these two have in their marriage of submissiveness and presiding (presiding particularly being a hot topic on Mormon feminist blogs).  The Daltons demonstrated how these two words can be a beautiful thing if done well.

The main example that struck me was that Elaine Dalton submitted to the stresses of mothering 5 boys and a girl when her husband was involved for years in church service.  She looked at his service as their service.  He led in a church sense, while her part was to "hold down the fort."  Now that she's serving in a very visible position, he, too, looks at this as their service.  Just as she supported him, he now supports her.  You can look at it this way, too:  it really wasn't her submitting to her husband in his service, it was her submitting to God's will for them to serve in their capacities at the time.

The Dalton's also mentioned three things they specifically tried to teach their kids:
1.  Identity - son or daughter of God
2.  Listen to the Holy Ghost
3.  Don't be afraid to be different

Of course they also talked about the courage to be virtuous, too.

Well worth listening to.

Why Education Is Important Even When You Stay Home

I was talking to a college-aged young woman in our neighborhood recently about school.  She likes college; she's busy; she's stressed out; she finds it strange coming home for holidays and having to report to her parents her schedule.  I asked her what her major is.  She said she wants to be a pharmacist, but the chemistry is killing her.  This is a bright young lady.  I have no doubt she can be a pharmacist.

But, I wonder, doesn't she want to get married and have a family?  She, too, has grown up believing that "the family is ordained of God.   Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan" and "that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. . . .  By divine design, . . . mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."  I contemplate, wouldn't it make it kind of hard to be a mother and a pharmacist someday?

Why do we do this to our girls?  Why do we ask them what they want to be career-wise when they grow up, when really we (or some of us) hope they will simply be able to stay home and be a fulfilled wife and a mother?  Turning to ourselves, why did many of us set off on this fake career journey knowing that deep down we just wanted to find our dream guy and eventually raise a family?  Do we need to spend all that time and money on education if we're going to "just" stay home?

Well, I don't know.

But I do know there is inherent goodness in education. From a scriptural or religious standpoint, in Doctrine and Covenants sections 88 and 109, we are encouraged to seek out of the "best books words of wisdom" and to "seek learning even by study and . . . by faith." We know that whatever intelligence we gain in this life will be an advantage to us in the next (D&C 130: 18-19).  We also know that "the glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth" (D&C 93:36).
 
I also know that if something happens to my husband, I need a backup plan (maybe it's a new husband, maybe it's a job).  I also have a hunch that someday I'm going to be learning chemistry and physics and calculus and all sorts of other hard things anyway, so I may as well get a head start on them in this life.

Most importantly, for my circumstances, doesn't education also also make me a better, well-rounded, enlightened person with a better capacity to serve my family and community?   Education gives us more to think and talk about -- more than pop culture or gossip.  It helps us feel balanced.

I had a discussion the other night with my husband on how college has helped me become a better person and mother.  I actually had a really difficult time thinking of examples at first, but once I started looking at specific cases, I can see how I have used my education:

• Stress Management:  Relaxation, and deep breathing techniques -- ways to stay sane!
• First Aid:  Taking care of family members and teaching Cub Scouts
• Child Development:  Let's just say I wish I would have paid better attention in this class.  I regrettably admit that I felt too proud to be there.
• Social Hygiene:  That was BYU's name for Human Sexuality.  It came very much in handy when I got married, but was totally embarrassing to me while I attended (although the teacher was very tactful).
• Utah History:  Fun to teach my kids and volunteer with them at This is the Place Heritage Park
• Geography, Geology, Environmental Biology:  Fun with kids and Cub Scouts
• Education/Teaching:  That's a no-brainer
• Behavior Change:  Helpful for myself with weight loss as well as family situations
• English/Writing:  Helps me so I don't look quite such a dork on-line and in other written situations.  Helpful for proofing my husbands' schoolwork and my father's book.
• Leadership Opportunities:  In college I had a couple opportunities to attend leadership workshops.  These  still prove useful in church and community service.
• Consumer Health:  Helpful in discerning unscrupulous health fads
• Statistics: Taught me that you can interpret numbers any way you like, so be wary of what you hear
• International Development:  Helps me remember that most of the people around the world don't live like we do.  I can teach my children not to feel so entitled.  I hope to take them on some humanitarian "vacations" when they are older.
• Religion Classes:  At LDS Church schools you are required to take religion classes 7 of your 8 semesters.  Not only did this help my personal faith and knowledge grow, but it helps me in public teaching situations.  When I was asked to teach Sunday School, you can bet my New Testament class came in handy!
• Computer Classes: I'm almost young enough to be a digital native, but I still need some help!

There are still many topics that I would like to learn more about, that either I didn't take in college, or now I realize the benefit:

• Sewing and Pattern Design:  What a fun hobby to keep me busy!
• Cooking:  Why doesn't my caramel turn out like I want it?  Why won't my whole wheat bread get a lighter texture?
• Horticulture:  What is wrong with my garden, my grass, etc.?
• Business/Economics:  Even just a basic class would have been helpful here.  Darn stock market.

Some of the topics I mention are "general" classes, which seem very beneficial in daily life.  What about serious math and science majors, though?  Is that education for naught when you end up staying home to raise a family? I'm not sure since I did major in Health Education, which now clearly has helped me in my role as a wife and mother.  My sister-in-law, Emily, is working on a PhD in Chemistry.  I'd like to ask her how/if studying zucchini root can help her as a wife and soon-to-be mother.  Maybe the actual knowledge isn't that practical, but the learning surrounding it is?  I know she has helped my brother with his math!

What about all that time spent in college?  I ask, is it really that much time?  You can earn a bachelor's degree an approximately 4 years.  That doesn't sound like such a huge amount of time when you can be raising children from anywhere between 18 and 30 or more years.  I think the trick is if marriage and family do present itself during those 4 years, take it if it's right, and feel good about it.  After all, isn't our first priority our families?  You can still keep learning, too, on your own!  You can even go back later if you want.  You can even go while you raise your family, but just be careful not to over-do it.  Balance -- it's good for your health.

I talked to someone recently about her education. She said once her kids are older, she wants to go back to school.  What she wants to do with herself now is totally different than what she studied when she was younger.  She knows more about the world and has different ideas on what she wants to do with herself.

Speaking of going back to school and careers, I recently listened to this Conversation with historian, Susan Easton Black.  Her story is fascinating.  She became a single mother of three, and with the babysitting help of another mother who could no longer have children, Black was able to return to college and become a professor.  She made the best of her situation and has made wonderful contributions to society.

Now I know there are some who are anti-college for various reasons, and that is fine.  There is plenty you can learn on your own, especially in this day of access to so much information.  College can just give you the opportunity to focus and teaches you what you didn't even know you should know (you don't know what you don't know).  Wherever you get your education, though, you should.

Back to the topic of our girls, maybe so they won't feel like they're "wasting their education" when they do settle down to have a family, we should not ask them in a career-minded way what they want to be when they grow up, but ask them what they want to study.  Maybe that way they'll feel they're taking their education with them, rather than leaving it behind with the career they didn't quite have.  Perhaps we can also emphasize that the first priority is to be a wife and a mother; self pursuits, including education and career, and even hobbies, are secondary.

Converstation with Julie Beck

I just finished listening to this "Conversation" with Julie Beck and her daughters.  It was really fantastic.  I wish I had the transcript so I could jot down a couple quotes.  In the conversation, they cover motherhood, experiences that made Sis. Beck who she is, running the Relief Society, the importance of not getting distracted from those important things we need to do, and much more.  Definitely worth listening to.

Another definition of feminsim

There's been a lot of good stuff out there lately!  Sometimes I really wonder if thoughts float around just waiting to be caught.  Maybe there is something to the "think method" like in the Music Man!!  I know that sounds weird, but you have to wonder.

My friend Hailey linked to this article on facebook:  As Sisters in Zion: Mormon Feminism and Siserhood.  As I've thought a lot about the word feminism lately, I really enjoyed Kathryn Soper's explanation -- especially in regards to Mormonism.

She points out that feminism is not a strict definition, but more of a conversation.  Very interesting.

I also liked this statement, ". . . resist patriarchy and you're a bad Mormon, embrace patriarchy and you're a bad feminist."  Made me chuckle.

I had to question this statement, though: Panelists were asked

to describe challenges and rewards of living lives true to the faith, yet out of sync with the cultural ideal of Mormon women as demure, domestically gifted "helpmates."[10] As I listened, I considered how the actual lives of the women I know vary so widely from that stereotype, and how its persistence as a standard causes so much unnecessary guilt, insecurity, and self-doubt that hampers Mormon women from filling the measure of their creation.

I think Soper's right in that women do vary widely from the stereotype, and they can be faithful, but I felt like there was a little bit of a knock toward those of us who are trying to become a "domestically gifted helpmate."  I'm learning to have fun with it, and I see it as a part of a measure of my creation. I don't think Soper meant it as an insult, but sometimes I sense that if you choose to become a "domestically gifted helpmate" that you may be looked down upon for not choosing something with more visibility.  I think I have just as much right and should have just as much respect as I would by choosing this for my life as I would in being a physicist.

The Male Privilege

My on-line friend, Mrs. G, just posted this:  Male Privilege.  Very interesting to think about.  I'm glad I have a man in my life to take advantage of the "Male Privilege," I think.

Watch What We Say

Another article on LAF/Beautiful Womanhood entitled Discouraging Younger Women concerned watching what negative things we say in front of younger women, especially regarding mothering and our spouses. 

I know some of my negative thoughts towards child-rearing stemmed from hearing such comments!  This was a good reminder to be careful of what I say around the younger generation when things get tough.  They'll figure out on their own that mothering and being a wife can be hard!

One Definition of Feminism

Another interesting article on LAF/Beautiful Womanhood today was regarding a definition of feminism:  "I’ll say that feminism is any movement that distracts a woman from her natural role as a wife, mother, nurturer, and guardian of the home."  I guess you can put it that way if you want to look at it in a completely negative view -- rather than one of fighting for women's rights, including the rights to stay home and be a wife, mother, nurturer, and guardian, etc.

I thought the author's point was pertinent in that the feminist movement did change the expectations of women:

With the onset of feminism, what happened was not that going into the man’s world of academic competition and work was secured as a valid option for the few women who didn’t marry. Rather, it was turned into the expected path for the many, many, many more who wanted to, and did marry and have children, and were then expected to juggle it all so as to “enjoy the best of both worlds” (side note: without truly being able to fully dedicate themselves to either path, as human resources are limited after all).

So, when a young girl today enters university or starts a promising career, it may be said that she is “taking advantage” of the opportunities feminism provided for her, but we mustn’t forget that she is also doing what is now expected of her – again, thanks to feminism. Academics and career are not a “treat;” they are now an obligation, and the reason why this is not fair to women is easy to see when you observe women juggling career with marriage, motherhood, and homemaking.

It goes without saying that not all women have “careers,” just as most men do not have careers, but simply jobs aimed at putting bread on the table. (And many feminists who hold themselves aloof don’t realize just how snobby and elitist it is to talk about “self-fulfillment” and “self-realization” and “empowerment.” Only a select few can afford that!). Many just work because it is now the expected norm for a woman to be doing “at least something” outside the home, and also because the flooding of the market with female labor force caused a sharp drop in salaries, so that living on one income immediately became much less comfortable than before (though certainly still feasible). Husbands began to feel that it is their right to expect the wife to generate an additional income, forgetting that it is their obligation to provide (again, in the Jewish tradition). All of this created a vicious cycle, the breaking of which requires conscious decision and quite a leap of faith.